Siwanators face off against whatever the Melora Hardin hive calls itself

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"Dancing with the Stars" Review

Adult Siwanators who somehow got shin splints from drinking alcohol two days in a row last weekend: our pigtailed kingpin has invoked us directly after a too-close encounter with Dancing with the Stars decimation last week. Despite a near perfect judges’ score on last week’s Queen-themed tango, enemies infiltrated the phone lines, and Jojo and her partner/choreographer Jenna were nearly voted off the show. The judges had to save their asses, likely for cross-promotional reasons.

Jenna and Jojo intro their dance by discussing a coup in their war room, a studio on the ABC lot. Jojo’s got powerful multinational allies. But more importantly, she’s the protégé of a bloodthirsty tyrant named Jessalyn Siwa.

“My mom has a famous saying, and it’s called ‘rallying the troops,” Jojo explains to Jenna. Then she speaks directly into the camera. “To get out of the bottom two, we need the Siwanators. My fans are the best ever and I know they will pull us out of this… when I came out earlier this year, they gave me so much love.”

Jojo discusses how supportive her fans, the Siwanators, have been before and since she came out shortly before her eighteenth birthday this year. But she has faced blowback from homophobic viewers. “It blows my mind that some people won’t let their kids watch my videos anymore,” she says. “Or that they will tell their kids they can never like me again, all because of who I love. I was no different the day before.”

That statement makes me sad. But the show must go on. This is Janet Jackson night on Dancing with the Stars, and Jojo and Jenna are performing a sultry salsa to the song “Feedback,” Jojo’s favorite.

If this is war, then General Jojo’s might is her strength. Much has been made by the judges about Jenna and Jojo being the first same-gender duo in 30 seasons. But until this performance, I hadn’t really noted this pairing as all that subversive – perhaps it is important to note though that for ‘Dancing with the Stars’ Review:Only Jojo Siwa’s Parts: A Series,’ I am only watching Jojo’s Siwa’s parts. But with their salsa, watching Jojo lift and flip Jenna while Janet Jackson crooned “Light skin, dark skin, my Asian persuasion/I got them all/That’s why these girls out here hating/cause I’m sexy” seemed like a pointed assault on conservative values, or a victory for egalitarianism, or something.

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“Sexy, sexy, sexy/You could work me out”

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“Sexy sexy sexy”

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“So here’s my demonstration/A peep show”

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“Pick it up, give it to me, come on/ Pick it up, give it to me, come on”

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Week after week, I tune in because I believe Jojo is a singular talent on the precipice of national renown as considered by people who already have drivers licenses. But could this constant play between Jojo’s entirely neutered rainbow onesie Nickelodeon branding and her newly evident sensuality be the Trojan Horse that it takes to keep viewers interested before the DWTS semi-finals?I guess all is fair in love and war, hon, and the dance is done. It’s time for the judges to speak. Actual enemy of the state Derek Hough says some inane garbage that threatened to tear the threadbare fabric of our country apart. Bruno calls the dance a bit gimmicky, everyone boos, and I laugh so hard; I guess I’m a freedom of speech advocate now, too.

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39 out of 40 and one more instance of heavy lifting.

Out of a newfound and deeply felt jingoism, I pick up my phone to vote for Jojo and Jenna like the good Siwanator I am. Then I learn that the phone lines closed 14 hours ago. I could post a few infographics on Instagram instead?