Chris Evans Dresses Like a Dumbass

Look at this photo of Chris Evans at the Berlin premiere of his new movie The Gray Man.

Respectfully, he looks like an idiot. Shirt too tight, vest too tight, pants gray like the title of the movie. The late aughts throwback looks on display on the red carpet weren’t doing favors for any of the objectively hot actors involved with the project, but Evans suffers the most — looking like a guy who is both too big and too small at the same time. In fairness to those in Germany, there have been record high heatwaves all across Europe. But while that might justify Evans’s short-sleeved shirt (stay cool, brother), it does not justify the concept behind the outfit.

As this Berlin look exemplifies, Evans has been looking insane at big events for a while now. Though Disney has worked hard for years to convince me that this is the type of guy I would like to marry and have children with so that those children could one day be consumers of Disney-branded products, there exists an overwhelming barrier to entry for me: namely, that Evans always dresses like a dumbass.

Consider another little vest look from Evans, this time at the premiere of Lightyear in London. The sleek aviators do not offset the fact that Evans looks as though he has been dressed against his will like a too-quickly growing boy who has to go to Sunday mass. His pants are wrinkled, and the vest constricts him.

Okay, now you’re mad at me. You’re saying, “After the pandemic, no one knows how to dress anymore because we all gave up on uncomfortable clothing.” Well, look at Evans almost three years ago at the Knives Out premiere dressed like a guy who pays money to hunt big game on a nature preserve in Africa. His tie is striped? But horizontally? If I know anything about stripes, it’s that horizontal makes you look wider, so Evans’s tie here is supposed to remind me that his chest is wide, but the tie is too skinny, so mostly it makes his chest look small. PASS!

Haunted bellhop vibes.

What is going on here? Too many patterns, too many colors, yet another pair of sunglasses. Too busy! Stop!

But we can’t put this all on Evans. Hollywood celebs don’t dress themselves; they are too busy telling us that Buzz Lightyear was a real guy or whatever. So I looked to Evans’s stylist of late, a woman named Ilaria Urbinati who loves to put a little vest or a little shirt on Evans. A bit of scrolling led me to the fact that she also dresses yet another too-jacked guy who always looks insane in clothes, especially a little vest (The Rock), as well as Australia’s Maestro (Baz Luhrmann). Along with consistent and interesting work for Adam Scott, Donald Glover, and TikTok pervert Charlie Puth, Urbinati also works with a man who I would consider Evans’s tether, “Dark Evans,” evil Evans, which is to say, the actually good Evans: Jon Bernthal.

Bernthal, like Evans, feigns a working class city boy attitude despite being a suburbanite (he is from outside of Washington D.C., Evans is from outside of Boston), and is also possibly a little too buff to look normal in clothing. Bernthal always manages to pull off the look — a classic, handsome guy who looks like he got a little dressed up, not that he’s been forced to look this way. There’s always something organic, if not a little wry, about the whole affair.

But when I see this, I scream, “BLEH.” Why are his sleeves rolled up? Roll them back down — you’re at the Toronto International Film Festival, my dude, not a 11 a.m. brunch at a Back Bay tapas restaurant. In many ways, perhaps Chris Evans is the quintessential man, because he has no idea how to look like anything — good, handsome, specific, like he has character, whatever — in clothing.