Catholic Church Makes Critical Misstep

A once-pristine reputation now sullied

Pope Francis changes his skullcap after the general audience in the Paul VI Hall at the Vatican on D...
boner kill

Pope Francis (or as I like to call him, Papa Frank, and sometimes Daddy Frank when we’re alone and I’m feeling virginal) has done so much to rehabilitate the image of the Vatican in the last few years that my mind’s been totally wiped of any bad will I might have had towards the institution. This guy is vaccinated, hates working, and you can bet your last at-home rapid test that with the 84-year-old’s shiny new colon, the man is fuckin’. Rock on, stud! Sexy, sexy, sexy! Jude Law who! Benedict XVI is legit sobbing right now into his personal baptismal font.

*Thirty minutes pass spent entirely smiling dreamily at all the thumbnails on the Google Images results page of “pope francis no hat” until I am reminded by a superior I’m on deadline and not allowed to look at porn on a company computer*

But here at Gawker, we hold the powerful accountable. And while the Catholic Church under Pope Francis is an objectively perfect institution drawing in scores of young, disenfranchised, LGBTQIA+ populations and their allies, our king has made one fatal error. According to CNN, Pope Francis made comments into what I’m sure was a rose gold Korean karaoke mic that condemned couples who opted to have pets instead of children.

“Many, many couples do not have children because they do not want to, or they have just one -- but they have two dogs, two cats ... Yes, dogs and cats take the place of children…Yes, it's funny, I understand, but it is the reality,” he said. “And this denial of fatherhood or motherhood diminishes us, it takes away our humanity. And in this way civilization becomes aged and without humanity, because it loses the richness of fatherhood and motherhood.”

The hypocrisy is RICH. CNN points out that “The Pope has been photographed with many animals over the years. He's been seen petting dogs, a koala and a tiger, holding birds and carrying a lamb on his shoulders.”

Shameful. King, do you want to give up your free-living bachelor, lamb-shouldering lifestyle to have kids? I don’t think so. You’re still hot, though, like Jesus.