It's All Happening: Very Sad Bits of News From the ‘Vanderpump Rules’ Cast

Gosh, it’s been a while since we’ve checked in on our wretched old friends from Vanderpump Rules, hasn’t it? Luckily the Bravo demons have, as of late, cursed us with an abundance of news about the former SUR servers; news which we can join hands, rawt in hell, and take a stroll through right … now.

NEW EAR!

Lala Kent got a new ear (for summer). She also got new boobs. “Oh, my gosh. I love my new boobs. I love my new boobs and I love my new ear,” Kent told Us Weekly on Friday. “I’m feeling it’s gonna be hot girl summer.” Indeed.

Kent underwent the procedure to have her left ear pinned back last month. She told Us Weekly that she had been insecure about her non-pinned back ear since childhood. “There were so many insecurities that I’ve had throughout my lifetime that I’ve gotten over and I just accepted the ear was not one of them,” she said. “And I was like, ‘If I can fix it, I’m going to.’” Inspiring behavior. May we all have the strength to buy new ears, should we want them.

GOODBYE TOM AND KATIE’S HOUSE

The newly divorced Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney have accepted a $2.595 million offer on their Valley Village home. This is about $150k less than the price at which it was originally listed, and the deal is not yet finalized. This means only Jax Taylor, Brittany Cartwright, Tom Sandoval, and Ariana Madix will remain in Valley Village, a sad Los Angeles location where almost the entire cast bought similar-looking multi-million-dollar homes at one point for some reason. We wish Tom and Katie the best.

SCHWARTZ & SANDY’S APPARENTLY EXISTS

Speaking of Tom Schwartz, his new bar with Tom Sandoval, unfortunately named “Schwartz & Sandy’s,” has somehow come to fruition. After a year of monetary trouble and general competency-related difficulties, the bar’s (private) “grand opening” kicked off on Tuesday with a “Daily Mail Online” party, just as the duo’s other bar TomTom did before it.

The bar is “retro,” I suppose, and cute in a “furnished by Wayfair” sort of way. You can look at it here. It includes a “starry night” ceiling, apparently inspired by “the night sky in Joshua Tree National Park,” according to Sandoval. He told the Daily Mail that the bar is “the only place in LA where you're guaranteed to see stars,” referring to the ceiling. One has to imagine this is the line he will tell every reporter, similar to “Villa Blanca is where you bring your wife, SUR is where you bring your mistress, and TomTom is where you go to forget about both,” which is the line he told every reporter, including this one, during TomTom’s 2018 PR push.

It is unclear if Schwartz & Sandy’s is yet open to the public. The bar’s official website does not work.

LISA WILL NOT RETURN TO ‘RHOBH’ (MAYBE)

While at the Schwartz & Sandy’s party, Lisa Vanderpump spoke with Extra about whether she would ever return to her birthplace: The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. The answer is no. (Unless the answer is yes.) “I have no plans to,” she said. “Andy [Cohen] said the door is always open. It’s not something I want to be involved in right now, especially with what is going on over there right now. Hard pass. You never say never, but never right now.”

Hard pass, but let’s say maybe. Oh and there was also this Lisa news.

IS LISA STILL “FRIENDS” WITH BRITTANY AND JAX?

Brittany and Jax have recently complained that Lisa Vanderpump hasn’t stayed in touch with them since they left the show. “No duh,” is my reaction, but Lisa Vanderpump (again at the Schwartz & Sandy’s party) responded to the claims this way, to Us Weekly:

“I’m always there. It was never me reaching out to them really. Apart from when they had the baby, it was never me reaching out. I’m always there for them. If they need me, I’m always there.”

Aw. She’s kind of like God that way.