Tom Brady Must Decide: Is He Married to Football or Wife?

Oh my gosh — women are impossible. They’re always yap yap yapping about makeup, or bodily autonomy, or how they want you to stop smashing your skull into other men and spend time with your children. OMG they’re so annoying I could scream. In the most recent news about things like this, Gisele Bündchen has reportedly given Tom Brady an ultimatum.

“Gisele told Tom either he leaves football to spend time with the family or she is gone for good,” an “insider” revealed to Us Weekly. My goodness, who could have ever guessed she was thinking in those terms? Who is this insider — some kind of omniscient being? Is it Bündchen herself?

“She doesn’t want him to continue to get injured and not be able to enjoy life in the future,” the source said. “She is doing it for her family.”

Sadly for Bündchen, the 45-year-old geriatric sportsman just publicly recommitted himself to the brain-destroying game he loves, on the podcast he for some reason hosts during all of his free time. The curse of the vow renewal (in this case between man and sport) does suggest that a messy divorce between Brady and football is imminent, but it’s hard to say when that will happen. As caring onlookers we just have to hope it’s before his messy divorce with Bündchen is finalized. At that point, the joint custody agreement will no doubt force Brady to spend at least some time alone with his children — a nightmare.

Meanwhile, Gisele Bündchen took the kids to a pumpkin patch. Yay autumn.