Tiffany Trump Married Off to Engine-Parts Heir

Ivanka wore a formal crop top

match made in mykonos

The cake was taller than baby Barron, and the entertainment was a handful of sentient loofahs in bowler hats. Baby, it’s gotta be bliss!

Over the weekend, second-best First Daughter Tiffany Trump got married in the sovereign island nation of Mar-a-Lago to a white Nigerian engine parts billionaire heir whom she met at Lohan Beach Club Mykonos in 2018, and I couldn’t be happier for them. And if their inaugural weekend as Mr. and Mrs. Michael Boulos is indicative of how they’ll sunset together into loving eternity, it’s safe to say they’re in for a happy B-list life as as a power couple whose names I can’t ever remember (even if she was, famously, named after the air rights just above the jeweler’s flagship store).

Of course, every fairy tale bride must surmount challenges on her way to the altar. As Hurricane Nicole marched towards Palm Beach in a poignant act of political protest, the airport shuttered, staffers evacuated from Mar-a-Lago, and the pre-marital golf outing was canceled. But, as Page Six reported, “Tiffany’s still there.”

Meanwhile, the Republican supremacy that the former president was expecting in last Tuesday’s midterm election turned out to be less of a “red wave” and more of a “piece of poop in the pool found during adult swim hours.” Even so, it seems that the 2024 nominee had a good time. He got to see the apple of his eye Ivanka all dolled up in a subdued formal crop top for him at the rehearsal dinner on Friday.

There was also an ice sculpture shaped like a piece of full-body women’s shapewear!


At the ceremony on Saturday inside Mar-a-Lago’s dual-purpose multi-level-marketing conference venue and grand ballroom, Trump made a romantic speech to 500 guests about the financial and emotional toll of event planning in the throes of global climate change. According to Page Six, he said:

“They were worried about rain. They said, ‘Sir, we are going to build a big tent over the pool.’ I don’t want a tent because if you build a tent two things: Number one, it costs a lot of money. Who wants to spend the money? And two, it’s just not the same. And I said, ‘Let’s take our chances, right Tiff?’”
He added of the good weather, “I think it’s emblematic for you and your life and we are very proud of both of you. Have a great life together.”

Happy for you, Tiff and Michael. I wish the couple, snatched to the hilt, a life of excess, striving, and still failing to miss the mark.