The Queen Is Alive But Has Long Covid

"It does leave one very tired and exhausted, doesn’t it? "

Britain's Queen Elizabeth II leaves after attending a Service of Thanksgiving for Britain's Prince P...
lack of taste

The Queen has been trapped inside an iPad most days since she caught Covid in October, with the exception of that time Sicko Baby Andrew took her out for a brazen trot. She didn’t even attend the Maundy, which, of course, is Anglicism’s most dynamic Lenten holiday. Now we know why the Queen has been slacking on her public appearances, and it’s not just because she’s a risk-averse 96-year-old British granny who contracted Covid in the past year. It’s even worse: she has long Covid, which is like Covid, but longer, according to the Daily Beast.

On a Zoom call with the National Health Services, the Queen politely stammered on about her diagnosis in typical Windsor fashion. “It does leave one very tired and exhausted, doesn’t it? This horrible pandemic. It’s not a nice result.”

By the sound of her symptoms, this is a textbook case of the murky long-term effects of the virus. One of the hallmarks of long Covid is being left very tired and exhausted, as well as not garnering nice results from this horrible pandemic.

According to the Beast, the Queen is “believed to be conserving her strength to give her the best chance of attending the summer’s Platinum Jubilee celebrations marking her 70 years on the throne.” She bloody better be. I already bought a six-pack of Twisted Tea Mango Hard Iced Tea for all us girls to split at the jubbly as a cheeky nod to a British garden party, and that’s not exactly a drink for somber reflection or deference. Come on, old biddy, just make it a couple more months.