The Nose
Every famous white woman has it
A disturbing thing happened while I was watching A Quiet Place Part II: I realized that I’ve seen Emily Blunt’s face before.
I am not talking about having seen her face before in A Quiet Place Part I. I’d seen her nose, specifically, on every single white woman in Hollywood. They all have the same nose. It has gotten to the point where I am unable to distinguish one woman from one another: One face gels into the next, like a paperback Animorphs cover or a Mitt Romney Father’s Day post.
Who is this nose? It’s not the nose of the famous white women of my childhood: Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock, and Cameron Diaz, those long and lean, sloping, flared, nostril-forward, tiny little buttons to press. Those noses were also all indistinguishable from one another, except for when they were botched. And those noses were often botched, or they started off fine for a few years, but then crumbled away and left Hollywood forever.
This nose is the Kim Kardashian nose is the Emily Blunt nose is the Blake Lively nose. It is also narrow, but it’s more substantial than the Hollywood white women noses of yore. It seems less breakable and sometimes, it might even have the suggestion of a bump on its itty-bitty bridge. A molehill instead of a mountain. But most often, it is entirely bump-free. The nostrils are so carefully constructed that they are meant to look like an afterthought. They are not the point of the nose. The nose comes to a cute little point above them, and that seems to be the focus.
Dr. Jason B. Diamond, a plastic surgeon who has worked with and on Kim, has appeared on Keeping Up With the Kardashians dozens of times (he did Kris’s earlobe reduction! Among other family members’ procedures), and on the social media feeds of any number of Vanderpump Rules cast members, told me that the tiny nose of the ‘90s was the side effect of what he called a “destructive rhinoplasty,” meaning that the surgeon would remove tissue to create a smaller nose. What happened to that nose tissue, we’ll never know.
“What you saw happen was over time, these noses, known as the ‘ski slope’ noses, collapsed and retracted,” Diamond told me over email. “There were times where this controlled collapse met the patient’s desired result. However, unfortunately, almost an equal number of times, the collapse was too significant leading to a dramatically overdone appearance.”
Controlled collapse! Dr. Diamond’s consultation fee is $1,000.
“Now rhinoplasty has evolved in such a fashion to conserve rather than destruct, meaning the nose is now refined by reshaping cartilages and limiting the amount of tissue removed,” Diamond continued. “This allows us far more control, in turn, allowing for more natural-appearing results.”
I guess one could say the nose appears more natural than the ones of yesteryear, but seeing any bit of highly orchestrated nature on dozens of famous women is uncanny. And they don’t even have to have surgery to get it! A technique using cosmetic filler like Juvederm also allows surgeons to have more precision than a classic rhinoplasty. The nose is tweaked with hyaluronic acid in a masterful use of forced perspective.
“We play off the nose’s shape and structure to create optical illusions in a way that can make the nose look straight, narrower, or lifted,” Diamond said. “Non-surgical rhinoplasty cannot actually straighten the nose or provide any functional improvement, but it is an amazing solution when performed by a facial expert.”
I’ve identified more than 20 Hollywood white women who have The Nose. Can you tell the faces they adorn apart?
***
Emily Blunt has the nose, and Stanley Tucci is also her brother-in-law.
The most famous woman in the world, Kirsten Dunst, has the nose. Once she told Variety that she wouldn’t get her teeth fixed because Sofia Coppola said she didn’t have to: “She thinks my teeth are great.”
Ashley Olsen has the nose. But get this, it seems like her twin sister Mary Kate Olsen does not? They are fraternal twins, after all.
Kate Hudson has the nose, and I think she should be getting more work. Not because of the nose, just because I think she’s effervescent on the big screen.
I forget who Dove Cameron is every three months, but right now, I do know who she is. She’s got the nose, although hers is far more dramatic from head-on, possibly to distinguish herself to casting agents.
This is where I’m losing trust in myself again. Tik Tok starAddison Rae, who I respect as a businessperson but not as a dancer, has the nose. But I’m not entirely sure this is even a photo of her.
Erika Jayne, the Housewife portion of the Hustler and the Housewife, “allegedly” has “the nose.”
I’ve sort of fallen off when it comes to The Real Housewives of New Jersey, but I did watch the first episode of last season where Dolores’s boyfriend is furious that she got a butt lift without telling her. Presumably, he knows about the nose.
Ariana Grande’s nose is THEE nose.
Stassie Karanikolaou, who I thought was navigating life with the legal given name “Stassie Baby,” has the nose.
Hailey Bieber has the nose, and I wish her a life of happiness and healthy boundaries in her marriage to Justin Bieber.
Brie Larson, Nissan lover and livestreamer, has the nose. Once my best friend and I watched a YouTube video by some guy about why Brie Larson is unlikeable and we were both like, “Yes. Yes!” and then the next video on the guy’s channel was about men’s rights. It made us think about internalized misogyny and our own biases, and I do worry I’m perpetuating that cycle by creating this compilation of famous white women’s noses.
Emma Stone has the nose, and while I know this is a photo of Emma Stone, I’ve now seen enough of the nose that I am unable to recognize this as Emma Stone.
Renee Zellweger is a body positive icon/activist and one of those with the nose.
Hilary Duff has the nose, and also what seems like a really nice life.
Lily Collins has the nose and a Golden Globe nomination.
Adele has the nose, fank you, fank you very much.
Sarah Paulson has the nose and as she plays so many characters across time periods, it does make it hard for me to believe her outside of our era. It’s like when actors with Instagram eyebrows are in period pieces.
Katy Perry’s German Madame Tussaud’s Wax Figure Arranged Humorously During the Novel Coronavirus has the nose.
Emily Blunt has the nose, and Stanley Tucci is also her brother-in-law.
