The Last Days of 'Ellen': Ellen's Not Here Today

But Ciara and Russell Wilson are

The Ellen Show/YouTube
Abstinence Wins
The Last Days of 'Ellen'

In honor of Ellen Degeneres’s show, The Ellen Degeneres Show, coming to an end after 19 years at some indeterminate time in May, we are chronicling its farewell season each week. These are the Last Days of Ellen.

Soon Ellen will be gone from our television sets, her YouTube channel will fall silent, and we will all have to get used to a world where America’s favorite blonde menace is no longer antagonizing celebrities who just wanted to promote their latest project. So it feels fitting to formally kick off the Last Days of Ellen on a day when Ellen herself is not actually present on her show.

Ellen likes to have guest hosts because, in her words, sometimes she likes to take some time off to “run errands or buy a house,” which is just the kind of salt-of-the-earth, relatable humor we all look to Ellen for. Filling in for the dancing queen today was “Body Party” singer Ciara, who had husband and football player Russell Wilson on as a guest.

Watching the two celibacy advocates gab with each other is reminiscent of being seated across from a couple you do not know at a group dinner, but you stupidly picked the middle booth part of the table so you can’t even escape to the bathroom. You’re trapped, and the couple insists on telling you all about the children’s book they wrote together. It’s called Why Not You? — a question that Wilson says is applicable to both the idea of overcoming cancer and dating Ciara — and great news, everyone in the audience gets a copy!

Wilson also got down on one knee and, on national television, asked his wife if they could have more babies. This stunt is actually very Ellen: it is weird, off-putting, and probably should have been done in private. Bravo, Russell Wilson! This makes him a strong candidate for guest host the next time Ellen wants to take the day off to terrorize a Los Angeles realtor.