The Gray Man Is Too Handsome

That is not an anonymous killer, that's Ken!

NEW YORK, NY - JULY 21: Ryan Gosling is seen on July 21, 2022 in New York. (Photo by MEGA/GC Images)
MEGA/GC Images/Getty Images
character assassination

Over the weekend, I watched a long and tonally confusing movie on Netflix called the Gray Man. It’s a Russo Brothers joint, and it stars that dumb-ass Chris Evans as a Dickie Greenleafian psychopath, Billy Bob Thornton done up real sweet in both young and old face, Ana de Armas in a Carhartt jacket, and finally, the only man more handsome than the real Ken doll and probably with even smoother private parts, Ryan Gosling. Gosling’s name in it is Sigma Six, and his function in this world is to blend into a crowd and kill. He’s killed before, but don’t worry, it was just his dad.

I didn’t read the book by Mark Greaney that the film is based on, and I haven’t read any reviews of the film because like the Gray Man himself, I trust nobody (caveat: the Gray Man trusts his father figure, a CIA nutjob, and his surrogate lil sis, the genius child actor from the I Think You Should Leave Tammy Craps sketch). My mom also talked pretty consistently over the first 35 minutes too before she retired to her bedroom to read a book about a painting of a horse. So maybe I’m not the best film critic here, but I’ve got something stuck in my craw: they made the Gray Man too handsome.

I first learned about the survivalist prepper concept of the Gray Man last year from the podcast Hollywood Masterclass. According to one of my favorite websites My Patriot Supply, the Gray Man Theory is such:

A “gray man” is someone who can blend into any environment or situation, such as having the ability to move through a crowd or place unnoticed. A gray man knows how to hide in plain sight while also not appearing to have anything to hide … In other words, a gray man does not stand out or call attention to himself.

In a gray man’s civilian life, we can imagine him cutting the labels off his packages, driving a Toyota, and not using fabric softener. The gray man is inconspicuous and boring, even if he has 12 bug out bags ready to go, plus any number of semi-automatic weapons in his basement.

Let me list the ways as to why Ryan Gosling is the worst gray man alive: killer bod, hot face, is always wearing a cool jacket, has no friends or anyone to kiss, and I guess that’s it, actually, but it’s enough. I would immediately recognize Ryan Gosling in a crowd at a Bangkok New Year’s Eve party, to use an example from the film. He’s extremely hot, and I’d be trying to wink at him all night.

Despite the fact that the Gray Man casting is all off, there’s reportedly already a sequel in the works. Luckily, it’s not too late to recast the lead role with Josh Gad or Chris Witaske, that guy who plays everybody’s doofish alt comedy boyfriend. Maybe Jason Segal, if he were slouched down a bit. Are both of the Property Brothers busy? Now that would be killer.