Well, it’s decided: Super Bowl LVII will be between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Kansas City Chiefs. Right now our job is, of course, to rest and practice self-care before the big day. But we must also seek out all of the information we can in order to make an informed choice on whom to root for.
Step one in figuring out whom to root for is carefully studying all of the bot-written posts about celebrity fans of each football team, and then writing another one of those (as a human). This is in order to determine which has the worst celebrity fans, and make sure we are rooting for the correct team in terms of Hollywood. Let’s see.
EAGLES: BILL COSBY
Might as well get this out of the way first.
CHIEFS: BRAD PITT
EAGLES: CARROT TOP
Carrot Top is from Florida, so I’m not sure how he came to be an Eagles fan. A quick search of “why does carrot top like the eagles” does not offer any useful results. Alas, there are several photos of him rooting for the Eagles, and you must make with that what you will.
CHIEFS: JASON SUDEIKIS
Will Jason Sudeikis suck the Chiefs into his ever-expanding circle of losers? Maybe. Or the results of the game could be more like that hug photo with his ex Olivia Wilde from this past weekend, by which I mean choreographed but generally good for everyone involved, in particular the children. We can only wait and see.
EAGLES: WILL SMITH
What do you think The Slap means vis-à-vis the Super Bowl? It’s an interesting question to consider while you stare into the middle distance and wonder what your life could have been like had you only made other choices. I can’t tell you what predictions to make. I can only point out to you the fact that Will Smith is an Eagles fan, obviously; he is from Philadelphia.
CHIEFS: HENRY CAVILL
"I spent a lot of time in America learning to enjoy football. I realized I had to choose a team," Henry Cavil told sportscaster Rich Eisen in 2018. "I figured, 'Superman is from Kansas.' I was playing Superman at the time, and it just kind of made sense to me." All right.
EAGLES: BRADLEY COOPER
I'm on the Eagles, watch as I play there
Lincoln Financial Fi-e-eeld
Crash through the lineman, yes he will hurt us
We're close to CTE now
I know you can’t tell, but it’s actually impressive how quickly I wrote that.
CHIEFS: PAUL RUDD
Imagine if Paul Rudd got canceled. Would be kind of devastating, particularly for the Ant-Man franchise. He’s not, though.
And yet they haven’t asked her to do aerial gymnastics at half-time?
CHIEFS: MELISSA ETHERIDGE
The “Pink” of the Chiefs, if you will.
On the Eagles’ side there’s also: Tara Reid and Kevin Hart, and on the Chiefs' side there’s also: Eric Stonestreet and Rob Riggle. Oh, also Tina Fey likes the Eagles. I know that’s a lot to consider, so I’ll give you some space to decide, and please feel free to take from now until February 12 as personal days at work. See you in two weeks, and of course go birds.