The Queen: Not Dead Yet

The bitch — Head Bitch in Charge, I mean (in an empowering way) — is back. Queen Elizabeth II was spotted doing her first royal engagement after a sprained back took her out of commission and forced her to miss the Remembrance Sunday service over the weekend. More specifically, Buckingham Palace, perhaps in an effort to stave off the nattering nancies who keep gossiping about the Queen’s dead-or-alive status, released a photograph of the 95-year-old monarch receiving a stiff-looking General Sir Nick Carter, the Chief of the Defense Staff, at Windsor Castle on Wednesday.

This proves a couple of things: 1) She is currently alive, and 2) she can stand, at least long enough for a photo op.

Many of us may take those two states of being for granted, but it’s a pretty big deal for the ancient Queen, who hasn’t carried out an official, in-person engagement since October 19. Last month, Her Majesty had to spend a night in a hospital for the first time in years. Her doctors instructed her to rest, which means she has missed out on several events, including the COP26 climate summit in Scotland. Just yesterday, she was supposed to appear at the General Synod, the Church of England’s national assembly, but she sent Prince Edward instead.

“It is hard to believe that it is over 50 years since Prince Philip and I attended the very first meeting of the General Synod,” the Queen said in a statement that she shared in her absence, according to People. “None of us can slow the passage of time.” That line appears to directly contradict a previous and very factual blog post I published stating that the Queen turns back time with an army of clock guardians, but I’ll allow a dying woman her small insolences.