Prince Harry Announces New Book with $20M Advance and Huge Lie

I’m ready to expose his deceit.

DUBLIN, IRELAND - JULY 11:  Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex visits Croke Park, home of Ireland's larges...
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Uncommon Ground

Prince Harry announced in a statement today that he is writing an "intimate and heartfelt memoir” for Penguin Random House, to be released in late 2022. The proceeds of the book will go to charity, though it is unclear if his very healthy $20 million advance will do the same. Of course we are so happy for him, and we ask you to please keep in mind how important pre-orders are for first time authors. But I do have one issue with his announcement.

"I'm writing this not as the prince I was born but as the man I have become," he said. "I've worn many hats over the years, both literally and figuratively, and my hope is—” blah, blah, okay this is the part I mean: “I can help show that no matter where we come from, we have more in common than we think."

Hm. I am fairly sure I have nothing in common with Prince Harry. But out of fairness I will check with his Wikipedia.

“Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex, is a member of the British royal family.”

Not true for me.

“As the younger son of Charles, Prince of Wales, and Diana, Princess of Wales, he is sixth in the line of succession to the British throne.”


“Born in St Mary's Hospital, London,”

No. This is going exactly as I thought it would.

“—Harry was educated at Wetherby School, Ludgrove School,”


“—and Eton College.”

I went to Drexel.

“He spent parts of his gap year in Australia and Lesotho, then underwent officer training at the Royal Military Academy Sandhurst.”

No, I didn’t take a gap year.

“He was commissioned as a cornet into the Blues and Royals,”

Okay I don’t even know what this means.

“—serving temporarily with his brother William, and completed training as a troop leader.”

My brothers are named Patrick and Thomas. (However I do have a friend named William.)

“In 2007–2008, he served for over ten weeks in Helmand Province, Afghanistan. He returned to Afghanistan for a 20-week deployment in 2012–2013 with the Army Air Corps. In June 2015, he resigned from the army.”

I’ve never been to Afghanistan.

“Harry launched the Invictus Games in 2014 and remains the patron of its foundation. He also gives patronage to several other organisations, including the HALO Trust and Walking With The Wounded.”

Can’t say I’ve done any of this.

“To encourage people to open up about their mental health issues, Harry, alongside the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, initiated the mental health awareness campaign ‘Heads Together’ in April 2016.”

Don’t even remember them doing this, let alone me.

“In 2018, Harry was made Duke of Sussex prior to his wedding to American actress Meghan Markle.”

Can’t relate.

“In January 2020, the couple stepped down as senior members of the royal family and moved to the Duchess's native Southern California.”


“In October 2020, they launched Archewell Inc., an American public organisation that focuses on non-profit activities and creative media ventures.”

I’ll admit that something we might have in common is that neither of us really knows what Archewell is.

“They have two children, Archie and Lilibet Mountbatten-Windsor.”


“In his youth, Harry earned a reputation for being rebellious, leading the tabloid press to label him a ‘wild child.’”


“At age 17, he was seen smoking cannabis, drinking underage with friends, and clashing physically with paparazzi outside nightclubs.”


“In early 2005, he was photographed at Highgrove House at a ‘Colonial and Native’ themed costume party wearing a Nazi German Afrika Korps uniform with a swastika armband. He later issued a public statement apologising for his behaviour.”

Okay, I have done this. Just kidding. :)