Nicki Minaj's Cousin's Friend's Testicles Destroy Beleaguered Health Minister of Trinidad and Tobago

As an entity, Nicki Minaj’s notorious online fanbase, The Barbz, is one of the most fearsome lab-made dangers in the world: they catfished Snoop Dogg, and they’ll fuck your life up if you so much as breathe in the direction of their queen. While they’ve already spawned an international pop star, they’ve never caused an overseas incident of this scale before, one requiring the Health Minister of Trinidad and Tobago, Dr. Terrence Deyalsingh, to make a public statement on Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s alleged vow-breaking vaccinated swollen testicle.

Some crucial clarifying details on how the global community got to this point: On September 13, the night of the Met Gala, Minaj tweeted that she would not be getting vaccinated in order to be admitted to the glitzy fête.

Minaj soon followed up this statement with a tweet about her cousin’s friend’s nads in Trinidad, and then advised her vaccine-curious followers to “pray on it” instead of being bullied into getting the shot.

Minaj’s tweets, her cousin’s friend’s testicles, and the ensuing barbs from critics of the Barbz caught the attention of talking heads from all sides of the political spectrum, including Dr. Anthony Fauci, Tucker Carlson, and Joy Reid. The Barbz were gleeful, and I guess so was I. The tweets were very funny, and I wasn’t invited to the Met Ball this year, so I had a lot of free time to spend online.

Today, Dr. Deyalsingh appeared at the dais as a man thoroughly broken and beaten down by the Barbz in a clip shared on Twitter.

At the filmed press conference, Deyalsingh said the reason the government could not respond in real time to Minaj’s claims is because they were working around the clock trying to find evidence to corroborate her report.

“Unfortunately we wasted so much time yesterday running down this false claim,” Deyalsingh said. “And what was sad about this is that it wasted our time yesterday trying to track it down, because we take all these claims seriously, whether [they appear] on social media or mainstream media.”

“As we stand now, there is absolutely no reported such side effect or adverse event of testicular swelling in Trinidad, and none that we know of anywhere else in the world.”

It seems someone might have been lying or exaggerating about Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friends’ balls, and I’m going to speculate it was the cousin’s friend, not Nicki herself, because I too am afraid of the Barbz.

One thing is for sure: I will be taking one bit of Nicki’s medical advice and praying for everyone involved.