New Guy to Hate: Michelle Branch’s Alleged Cheater Ex-Husband, Whom She Allegedly Slapped

The “Everywhere” singer launched him in a since-deleted tweet

LOS ANGELES, CA - FEBRUARY 15:  Drummer Patrick Carney of The Black Keys and Singer Michelle Branch ...
C Flanigan/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
you're nowhere to me

‘Cause you’re everywhere to meee, and when I close my eyes, it’s you I seeee. You’re everything I know that makes me believeeee — Patrick Carney cheated on Michelle Branch while she was at home with their six-month-old baby (allegedly).

Yes, according to several outlets and a statement from Michelle Branch herself, Michelle Branch and Black Keys drummer Patrick Carney have split after three years of marriage. And according to TMZ, Branch was arrested on Thursday at around 2 a.m. after police arrived at her home to investigate a “possible domestic disturbance.” According to the court documents obtained by TMZ, Branch allegedly slapped Carney, who had no visible injuries, "one to two times.” She has reportedly since been released from custody.

The couple share two children: a six-month-old and a four-year-old. Their split comes after Branch alleged Carney had cheated on her in a now-deleted tweet, writing, “Just found out my husband cheated on me with his manager Haley McDonald from Full Stop Management while I was home with our 6 month old daughter.”

In a statement sent to People and Us Weekly, Branch asked for privacy. “To say that I am totally devastated doesn’t even come close to describing how I feel for myself and for my family,” she said. “The rug has been completely pulled from underneath me and now I must figure out how to move forward. With such small children, I ask for privacy and kindness.”

Of course, we will give all of the kindness we have in our possession to Michelle Branch. Good vibes are coming her way from us — imminently. Unfortunately for Patrick Carney of the Black Keys, a band that is the aural equivalent of a faux-distressed The Doors t-shirt from Urban Outfitters, we will afford no such privilege to him. This guy sucks. Before we didn’t care too much about him beyond the fact that his band sucked, but now we dislike him very much. (I’m saying “we” because I’m including you with me as a courtesy; you may send a letter to the BDG offices if you wish to be removed from the sentiment.)

We’re sorry about Patrick Carney, Michelle Branch. I know this is a difficult time, but do try to look on the bright side, which is, you no longer have to be married to Patrick Carney. Hell, maybe your next guy will even be hot.