Martha Stewart Has One Request for Her Friends: Die

(So she can date their husbands)

WASHINGTON, DC - MARCH 11: Martha Stewart at the Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg Woman of Leadership Awa...
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Ashes to ashes, funk to funky — everybody’s gotta go sometime. What’s so wrong, then, about Martha Stewart wishing some of her friends would die so she could have a turn dating their hunky husbands?

“I had two mad crushes in the last month, which is really good for me,” Stewart told Chelsea Handler on a recent episode of her podcast Dear Chelsea. “But it turns out, you know, one of them is married to the mother of some friends of mine and I just — he’s so attractive.”

Do we have time to unpack the idea of an 80-year-old Martha Stewart being attracted to a guy who is married to “the mother” of “some” of her friends? No. We just have to move past it.

“You know, you can’t be a home wrecker,” Handler said, via a transcript from Mediaite. Stewart agreed, stating she’s never home wrecked. “I’ve had the opportunity to be home wrecker and I have not taken anybody up on it.” (Heroic.) “And that’s really where — that’s where I meet men. They’re all married to friends of mine or something like that,” she said.

Handler pointed out that it can be difficult not to home wreck, because it can be tempting to believe these relationships are temporary. “Or maybe they’ll die,” Stewart said. “I always think, oh gosh, couldn’t that person just die?”

And these days who isn’t always thinking that, to some extent? Handler clarified that Martha Stewart meant she hoped her friend, the wife, would just die, and yes that is what she meant. “Yeah!” she said. “Not — not painfully. Just die … But it hasn’t worked out.”

All right. Listen, a non-painful death at the hands of Martha Stewart so she could live out her twilight years having nasty sex with your dusty old freak of a husband … it really isn’t the worst-case scenario right now. Kind of sounds nice. Peaceful. And I’m sure she’d decoupage you a beautiful coffin.

Friends of Martha Stewart — the choice is yours. (Or is it?)