Is Prince Harry at Risk of Being Brutally Maimed by the Queen?

We’re worried for him.

NEW YORK, NY - SEPTEMBER 25:  Prince Harry at Global Citizen Live on September 25, 2021 in New York ...
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royal assaults

A strange man named Mike Tindall is in the news today, and don’t worry, I’ll tell you all about him. He’s the husband of one of Prince Harry’s cousins (Zara) and a former rugby player. According to him, he once physically assaulted Prince Harry in Australia, and now the Queen wants to do it too, but in Scotland? Or, I don’t know, let’s see.

On Monday at “A Question of Sport Live” at the London Palladium — a live version of a televised sports quiz show for blokes and birds — Tindall reminisced about celebrating England's 2003 Rugby World Cup win at a bar in Sydney. Where did you celebrate England's 2003 Rugby World Cup win? I did so at my parents’ house. According to the Daily Mail, Tindall said he and his teammate Iain Balshaw were very drunk that night, and decided to throw a few punches at Prince Harry to see how long it would take his security to pin them to the ground. According to Tindall, it took a few seconds. A very interesting anecdote from Mike Tindall.

Then he said this: "At Balmoral, the family are now having the same conversation. Except the Queen has taken his security away.” Ha-ha. (Balmoral is, as you know, the Scottish holiday home of the Royal Family.) (The Queen spends her summers there, and is there presently.)

Life is so funny. Most of us walk around never knowing whether the Queen is in Balmoral planning our assault — doing a training montage, boxing against a royal servant holding a mitt, hydrating with a Gatorade and Dubonnet. Not Harry though. He knows what’s coming. All thanks to this weird guy, Mike Tindall.