If Alec Baldwin Wanna Be a Freak and Impregnate Hilaria on the Weekend? It’s None of Ireland Baldwin’s Business

Most things are none of our business. Teens on TikTok, for example, or how hair grows. Microplastics are certainly not our business, nor is the irreversible nature of the environment’s imminent collapse. I can tell you for a fact that the things my little cousins post about on social media are none of my business, though I do see them. And as for Ireland Baldwin, daughter of Alec Baldwin? What’s none of her business is: Alec Baldwin.

In a rather lengthy Instagram statement, posted on Thursday and seemingly spurred by an untenable amount of DMs from fans, haters, and journalists, Ireland Baldwin made several things clear. She is attempting to no longer worry about how people perceive her, and she is tired of receiving comments about her body. She’s getting her chin “fixed” soon with a nonsurgical procedure. Her boyfriend is divorced, his past isn’t any of our business (another thing to add to the list), and he is perfect. She fosters dogs, currently has six, and wants to start a rescue. And she does not care that Alec and Hilaria Baldwin, currently pregnant with their 7th child, are spawning like … um, fish, I guess. (Or something else that spawns a lot and quickly.)

“I get countless messages from people who are kind of alarmingly obsessed with my father and his family,” she wrote. “I think a lot of people assume my take on any of this, well here it is for free — it’s none of my business. To all the media outlets who have reached out for a quote — there’s your quote. I don’t care.”

I love it. “It’s none of my business” and “I don’t care” are two of the most correct takes I’ve seen since yesterday, when someone wise said everybody needs a bathrobe. “Those people are weird, and please don’t ask me about them,” is what every child of a famous person should be intimating. Correct. It’s none of my business. I don’t care.