I Swear to Fuckin God If Pete and Kim Are on That Jubbly Balcony....

Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson went out to dinner. What else is new? Kim’s in Balenciaga, Pete’s in one of his signature flannel zip-ups, and they’re both bleached down to the scalp. These two are no Kravis, in terms of their charitable works, and no Fabulous Markle Twins, in terms of their sex appeal. But they are present, constantly and everywhere, and I guess that’s enough.

Most recently, according to the Daily Mail, the loved-up pair were vibing in LONDON, a European island city which was famously home to Queen Elizabeth before she was rehomed earlier this year. (The Queen still steals away to London seven or so times a week, to ride around in a bumper car or show off her reactionary brooch.)

Regarding Peem (that’s their celeb couple portmanteau) the Mail reports, “It is not immediately clear why the pair have traveled to England, though they will no doubt be caught up in the mayhem as Britain prepares to celebrate Queen Elizabeth's Platinum Jubilee.”

I am left to draw no conclusion but one, and it has grave implications for the future of the monarchy: Elizabeth’s idiot children and grandchildren have embarrassed her so badly with their escalating series of very British scandals (not to mention failed podcasts and streaming series) that the Firm’s had to call in some fresh bodies for the haunted Jubbly balcony. I can only imagine Lilibet Sr. placed a call on the red line to her American royalty counterpart Kris Jenner, and the two momagers made some things happen. Something tells me Kim and Pete will end up attending the Jubbly festivities and might even worm their way onto the balcony herself, alongside Prince Louis, the Queen, and nobody else.

I’m in as big of a wobbly as you are about this rubbish balcony nonsense, but it’s where we’re at. Lorne skeet the Pete.