How Exactly Is Patrick Wilson Eating Dog Shit?

What’s the worst thing you’ve put in your mouth? I bring it up because the question was asked of the Conjuring actor Patrick Wilson in a recent interview with Empire magazine, and his answer was far less straightforward than, for example, a sample of Orange Julius that had used gum in it.

“It’s probably dog shit,” he said. “I’m sure, in my quest to pick up dog crap, that I have licked the bag to open the bag, and then it’s on my hand and I have dog shit in there, too.”

Okay. What?

I’m trying to understand. As someone who picks up a dog’s poop at least twice a day, I know the struggle of the poop bag. They’re difficult to open (similar to produce bags at the grocery store) especially when you have a dog tugging at his leash in your other hand. This problem could once be solved by lightly wetting the tip of your fingers with your tongue and using the moisture on your fingers to pry the bag open, but this move was likely phased out by most in early 2020 due to fear of contracting COVID-19. It seems that to get around the finger issue, Patrick Wilson licks the bag directly. This much I understand and am more or less fine with, even though it isn’t something I would do myself. “It's not like they pre-poop them,” to quote Greg from Succession. “It's just a mental barrier.”

So, “I have licked the bag to open the bag” — I understand this well enough. But “... and then it’s on my hand and I have dog shit in there, too” is where I’m getting confused.

First, it’s unclear what “it’s” is referring to. The logical assumption is the wetness from his lick. It seems, from the information we’re given, that Patrick Wilson has a relationship with his spittle wherein even once the spittle is removed from his mouth, it remains connected to his person in such a way that brushing against his spittle is akin to being in his mouth.

Okay, fine. Even if we decide to believe Patrick Wilson’s spittle is tethered to him in sort of a mystical way, we immediately run into another problem: “I have dog shit in there, too.”

In where? The “there” here seems to mean his hand. So … he has dog shit in his hand? This is not a necessary part of the dog poop pick-up process, I promise you. Furthermore if Patrick Wilson’s mouth is tethered to his spittle and the actor is regularly picking up dog shit with his hands, you’d think he’d be more careful about not getting his spittle on his hands. You’d hope, at least, that he wouldn’t put it there on purpose.

But I guess the other option for “there” is the poop bag itself. Spoken language is not always intuitive and it’s possible Patrick Wilson lost his train of thought. Let’s see if it makes more sense if the “there” is the poop bag.

1. I’m sure, in my quest to pick up dog crap, that I have licked the bag to open the bag
2. And then [the spittle is] on my hand
3. And I have dog shit in [the poop bag] too.

Hm. I still don’t understand. Maybe the “it’s” in point two is referring to poop?

1. I’m sure, in my quest to pick up dog crap, that I have licked the bag to open the bag
2. And then [the poop is] on my hand
3. And I have dog shit in [the poop bag] too.

I’m still not getting it. Maybe “it’s” in point two is referring to poop, but “there” in point three is referring to his hand?

1. I’m sure, in my quest to pick up dog crap, that I have licked the bag to open the bag
2. And then [the poop is] on my hand
3. And I have dog shit in [my hand] too.

Again we’re left wondering why Patrick Wilson has dog shit in his hand as well as a telekinetic connection with his spittle. It doesn’t look like we’re going to get to the bottom of this one today. For now, it remains unclear how Patrick Wilson has managed to eat dog shit while picking up his dog’s shit.

If you have information about how Patrick Wilson is managing to eat dog shit by accident, drop us a line at tips@gawker.com.