Harry Potter Is Dead

We're sorry for your loss.

Tombstone: Shutterstuck; Daniel Radcliffe: Michael Loccisano/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
“Ashes to ashes, funk to funky. We know Major Tom’s a junky.” —Genesis 3:19

I come to you with news, and with a heavy heart. Your beloved nerd witch Harry Potter has died.

Yes, it is not an easy day for anyone who knew the raven-haired magician, and all houses are in mourning: Hufflepuff, Dragonman, Jubblystick, and the rest. Even those who do not practice the dangerous occultism peddled (to children!) by the nerd witch have hung their heads in sadness, out of respect for Gollum. The young sorcerer will be remembered for how well he played his broomstick, and for his many spells.

The news comes from Daniel Radcliffe, known for playing the esteemed Potter in film. “It’s not something I’m really interested in doing right now,” he told the New York Times, in response to whether he was interested in reanimating the corpse of Harry Potter for a Harry Potter and the Cursed Child movie. Although he would only have to cast one necromancy spell to bring the cherished imp back into the lives of the mid-age millennials for whom he is King, he refuses to do so; a decision almost breathtaking in its cruelness.

Radcliffe’s refusal comes on the heels of his participation in an HBO Harry Potter reunion special. One might wonder why he would do that, but not give the world back its favored child sorcerer? “This isn’t the answer that anybody’s going to want,” Radcliffe said, “but I think I was so able to go back and enjoy it because it’s not a part of my day-to-day life anymore.”

It seems Harry Potter is indeed dead.

Tsk, tsk. Daniel Radcliffe will no doubt rot in hell for his many misdeeds, primary of which is his refusal to do a Harry Potter and the Cursed Child movie. Luckily he will have Harry Potter himself there in hell to keep him company. (Because of his interest in the occult.)