Hank the Tank Innocent!

The system is corrupt

Not really Hank
petterim / 500px/500Px Plus/Getty Images

Hank the Tank, a hefty bear in Lake Tahoe accused of breaking into two dozen homes and set to be trapped and euthanized, was not working alone. DNA evidence collected by the California Department of Fish and Wildlife proved that several incidents thought to be Hank the Tank’s solo efforts were actually carried out by a network of at least three accomplices, CNN reported.

That’s right, Hank the Tank is Hanks the Tanks, three bears sitting on each other’s shoulders in a Party City bear suit, and the fine people of Tahoe are going to have to get more creative in their naming efforts. Some options as generated by a kindergarten class I briefed on the news and then polled for ideas: Leroy the Big Boy, Toulouse the Caboose, Marge So Large, and Murray Very Furry.

In a statement titled “Bare Naked Truth” (cute!), the CDFW begged the public for a little bit of nuance for once in the goddamn lives: “Identifying bears simply by their visible, physical characteristics can lead to misidentifying bears and therefore confusing management efforts. The genetic information gleaned from our effort in the South Lake Tahoe area will assist CDFW by expanding its database of bear genetics and hopefully preventing future misidentification of bears.”

CDFW is not going to euthanize any bears that are trapped during this effort, which would have been a rude thing to do in the first place. Hank(s) is very handsome, and he was hungry.