Gisele Bündchen Allegedly Has a New Boyfriend, Please Do Not Tell Tom Brady

Keep this between us

TAMPA, FLORIDA - FEBRUARY 07: Gisele Bundchen, wife of Tom Brady #12 of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, ce...
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Shh — please lower your voice. Tom Brady is asleep in the other room and I just got him down after about an hour and a half of reading Tom Brady: The Inspiring Story of One of Football's Greatest Quarterbacks. He’s been really fussy lately, and I don’t know how long we’ll have until he wakes up, so we should just get to this now: Gisele Bündchen has a new boyfriend.

SHHH! Please keep your gasps to a whisper. According to Page Six, Bündchen was spotted with a guy named Joaquim Valente on Saturday in Costa Rica. Apparently he’s a jiu-jitsu instructor and the co-founder of “Valente Brothers,” a jiu-jitsu school in Miami that for some reason has 40,000 followers on Instagram.

Bündchen actually tried jiu-jitsu with this guy and his brothers in February and said on Instagram that they were “awesome teachers.”

“I believe the more tools we have in our toolbox the better,” she wrote. “I feel stronger, more confidence and empowered since I started practicing self-defense. I feel it’s an important skill for all, but specially for us women. Thank you @ValenteBrothers for being awesome teachers and for making training so much fun. I am looking forward to keep improving. Let’s go!”

God. This is going to destroy Tom Brady. According to Page Six, Brady reacted to the video of Bündchen practicing self-defense with the Valente brothers at the time by tweeting, “My days of leaving dishes in the sink are numbered.” The tweet has since been deleted. :(

I trust that you aren’t going to tell Tom any of this, but I definitely need you to keep to yourself the fact that when Bündchen and this jiu-jitsu instructor were spotted in Costa Rica, they were with two of her and Tom Brady’s kids (Benjamin and Vivian). He is not going to like that at all. Do you think the guy is teaching them jiu-jitsu, and do you think Bündchen is saying, “It’s just so nice for them to have a male influence … a sort of father figure”? Probably best not to consider it.

Anyway, again, please don’t tell Tom Brady about Gisele Bündchen’s new boyfriend. Please don’t tell Ron Desantis either. You know that little bitch can’t keep a secret.