Three Cheers for Eric Clapton, Who Has Successfully Contracted COVID-19!

It seems Eric Clapton has gotten his wish. The legendary racist, notable lately for his outspoken COVID-19 horniness and refusal to play venues that require vaccination, has finally gotten his dry, gaping mouth on some of those yummy COVID-19 particles he so desperately loves. Yes, the awful old bitch has tested positive for COVID-19, the virus he finds himself attracted to in a sexual way. He has always been hot for SARS-CoV-2, and now he is hot with SARS-CoV-2, meaning he is feverish (I assume). We cheer for his infected success.

Clapton’s team announced his COVID status via Facebook (obviously) explaining that the infection would prevent him from performing his scheduled concerts in Zürich and Milan. “He has been told by his medical advisors that if we were to resume traveling and performing too soon,” the statement says, “it could substantially delay his full recovery.” Darn those medical advisors and their “mass formation hypnosis,” whatever that is. May they never know the sweet nectar of virus-laden saliva droplets. May they feel the full wrath of the hunky God of infectious diseases, who is an absolute dime!

Of course, we must celebrate Eric Clapton’s big day in the way he prefers: by looking very closely into his yawning gullet. Get well slowly, dear friend. Remember to be present and enjoy this moment of illness you worked so hard to court. We love you, and we’ll never forget you.