Dakota Johnson Is Preemptively Banned From My Wedding

Oh, crashing weddings is one of her “No. 1 hobbies”? Not on my day …

NEW YORK, NEW YORK - NOVEMBER 29: Dakota Johnson attends the 2021 Gotham Awards at Cipriani Wall Str...
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leave me alone dakota

In a game of “never have I ever” hosted by W Magazine, several awards season-themed celebrities answered questions like “have you ever taken a nude selfie?” (Alana Haim has) and “have you ever done a TikTok dance?” (Simon Rex hasn’t). These answers were in general non-alarming, like, for another example, Jonah Hill does talk to his dog in “a weird voice,” and also tells her that she has to “go to Babies-R-Us” because “[she is] a baby.” Who doesn’t? Then the group was asked if they’d ever crashed a party or a wedding.

Dakota Johnson’s answer was quite troubling.

"I feel like I've done that a lot," she said. "It's one of my no. 1 hobbies." Recalling one of these alleged wedding crash moments, Johnson said, "There I was, holding up the bride and groom in a chair. And they were just like 'Who — What are you doing?'"

Let’s put aside for a second the fact that Dakota Johnson often just says things without those things necessarily having any basis in reality. Celebrities have a long and frustrating history of just showing up to weddings, assuming the couple of the day will want them there because they recognize their faces from film and television. This is, as I’m sure you know, part of the origin story of our collective hatred of Jeremy Renner.

Celebrities have diseased brains, which is fine; it’s the only way they can do their jobs. But the assumption that someone will want you to show up uninvited at their wedding and steal their thunder — thunder that they no doubt regrettably paid lots of money for — is a dangerous one. If Tom Hanks showed up at my wedding uninvited, for example, I would quietly have him escorted out by security. And I love Tom Hanks. (If he would like an official invite he may reach out to me and ask.)

It is because of this I must preemptively ban Dakota Johnson from my wedding. No, I do not have a wedding scheduled; this is just a protective measure I’d like to get out of the way now. Dakota Johnson, you must not come within 1,000 feet of my wedding venue.

I like you, Dakota Johnson. I actually like you quite a bit. You seem very strange. But unless you’d like to form a friendship in advance of my big day, which I welcome, you must not approach me or any of my wedding guests. You must not catch the bouquet. You must not make a toast. If you do not follow this rule there will be consequences, I can guarantee that. Yes, I will accept a gift in lieu of a personal appearance.

This isn’t about you, Dakota. This is about me. Capisce?

(It’s also a little about Jeremy Renner.)