Devastating: Chris Pratt Will Not Say “It’s-a Me Mario” in New Mario Film

Yabba dabba do. How you doin'? D’oh. These are the catchphrases of our lives. They comfort us in times of need; they tuck us into bed at night. They are a steady hand in life’s tumultuous storm. Without them we are unmoored. And yet one of our memory’s most soothing refrains, one that we needed, is being taken from us; stolen right before our eyes. It is a great loss, but know, at least, that you do not suffer it alone.

Chris Pratt is not going to be saying that he is a-me, Mario.

I’m so sorry.

Mario Bros. co-producer Chris Meledandri broke the news in an interview with TooFab, but not before he was made to answer for his crimes of not casting an Italian-American (Lady Gaga?) to play the video game plumber, and instead casting a non-Italian weirdo who everybody hates, Chris Pratt. "All I can tell you is the voice that he's doing for us, and Mario, is phenomenal," he said. "I can't wait for people to hear it."

“Charlie Day, who's playing Luigi, actually comes from Italian heritage,” he added. “Yeah so that's our nod.”

And of course I think I can speak for Italians when I say they are satisfied with this “nod” in casting Charlie Day (who actually comes from Italian heritage) as Luigi — as long as Chris Pratt says he’s a-me Mario. He’s going to be saying that he’s a-me Mario … isn’t he?

"That's not the tenor of the performance throughout the film," Meledandri said.

Devastating.

Well, Italians and non-Italian video game fans, I don’t know what to tell you. I guess you’re going to have to try to get used to one of these, which could be more the tenor of the performance:

• I am Mario.
• It is I, Mario.
• I’m Mario.
• My name is Mario.
• “Hello, I’m Mario.” — Chris Pratt’s normal voice
• Mario is who I am.
• Nice to meet you, I’m Mario.

I know it is cold comfort, but do try to remember that Charlie Day, who's playing Luigi, actually comes from Italian heritage. That's our nod.