Come Back Cameron Diaz

On her 49th birthday, an elegy for what could have been

Actress Cameron Diaz hold she's participant film Shrek preview event before pose for media at hotel'...
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good morning angels

Today is Cameron Diaz’s 49th birthday. She is my favorite blonde actress besides Kirsten Dunst, not to pit women against each other. She was effortless as KIMMMAYYY in My Best Friend’s Wedding, and her half of The Holiday is my favorite comforting wintertime watch. Ever since her film debut in 1994’s The Mask, she has made us laugh, cry, scream, and think, despite being constantly underestimated by the film establishment because she is a beautiful woman who has a perfect smile, dated Justin Timberlake, and married a founding member of Good Charlotte.

Famously (not really), Diaz’s last film before retirement was the 2014 Annie remake, a film I haven’t seen but I’m sure resonated with audiences worldwide. “I got a peace in my soul,” Diaz told Gwyneth Paltrow about retirement via virtual Goop conference. “Because I was finally taking care of myself.”

Peace and love, and all that, but I need Diaz to return to screen now. While I understand that Hollywood deems ingenues worthless after age 36 or so, I have no doubt that she could have taken on pretty much any high-profile role of the last seven years with aplomb. She’s funny, she’s smart, and she’s got legs for days (in an empowering way). She can play a sex symbol, rock an Amy Adams-esque nude lip to play a poor person, or go the Connie Britton route and play a beautiful concerned middle-aged woman on vacation.

In fact, any of these film and television roles from 2015 onward would have been better with Diaz above the title:

  • The love interest role ultimately awarded to Sienna Miller in the Brad Cooper rock ‘n’ roll kitchen thriller Burnt.
  • Amy Adams’s damaged girl-nalist in Sharp Objects. Speaking of Amy Adams, Diaz also should’ve played the bad denim-wearing mommy in Hillbilly Elegy. In fact, throw some old-age makeup on her and have her play Mamaw! How’s that for Oscar bait?
  • Nicole Kidman’s sexy housemarm in The Beguiled. Actually, let’s get this woman together with Sofia Coppola for a coffee date — Cameron would be great as, say, Bill Murray’s niece that he’s also attracted to.
  • The mother in Mother! Cameron Diaz is already an incredible mother to her daughter Raddix, whereas Jennifer Lawrence does not have any children.
  • A British settler in American Horror Story: Roanoke.
  • Charlie herself in Elizabeth Banks’s Charlie’s Angels remake. It only made eight million dollars, but with Cam it could have made nine.
  • Literally any role in Knives Out.
  • Megyn Kelly in Bombshell! She’s got Fox News face, and I say that with extreme jealousy.

Take a few hours out of your day to picture each and every one of these, and take a long, hard look at how you specifically are complicit in leading her to retire before she even had the chance to play Aunt May in Spider-Man: The Webs We Weave starring Jacob Tremblay.

Have a glass of pure Avaline wine and consider.