The One Elusive Quality That Has So Far Evaded Ben and J. Lo in Their Search for a New Home

Have you heard the news? Aye, have you heard the news? Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are house hunting — with an unquenchable thirst for the perfect home.

In March, the rebooted couple were in escrow on a $55-million toilet mansion that was covered floor-to-ceiling in latrines and, presumably, bidets. But the toilets were eventually determined to be unsatisfactory. The pair reneged on the deal and continue to hunt, recently touring a $165-million manor with an even greater number of toilets; equal in every measure to the number of dresses Katherine Heigl at one point had (27). The manor also had 100 garage spaces, and 400-year-old Moorish columns; everything a happy soon-to-be-”married” couple could want. And yet it too was deemed unsatisfactory.

Why, we must ask? For what could Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez be searching that they have not yet found? Well, it seems HollywoodLife has the answer … if only we’re willing to lend an ear to their secret source.

So tell me, source, what are they seeking? An open-concept living room? A pellet stove? A newly updated dishwasher? A roof that is no more than five years old? One of those refrigerators that looks like the wall? Human bones in the walls (just for good luck)? Indoor duck pond? Little cubby where Jennifer Lopez can go to “hide,” but where you will know she is safe? Dunkin’ Donuts not too far away, ideally within walking distance but up to a four-minute drive is fine? One of those champagne buttons Heather from Real Housewives of Orange County has? 30 toilets? Tell me, source — what are our dearly beloveds looking for?

“A source close to the couple EXCLUSIVELY told HollywoodLife,” says HollwoodLife, “that they are making sure to choose the perfect place to ‘raise their kids together.’”

Ahh, a place where they are able to raise children, of course! We should have known.

“Jen has a big family so she’s definitely looking for something that has enough room to entertain and host company,” said the source. “She’s also looking for plenty of space for all of their kids to live comfortably, and of course the extras like a huge pool, walk-in closets, etc. … They want this to be their forever home where they can raise their kids together. Jen has a lot on her wish list, but she’s confident they can find the perfect place.”

I know the housing market is difficult for buyers right now, so I just hope Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck can eventually find a safe place in their budget that has space, a pool, and closets. We’re rooting for you, our toilet sweethearts.