Aaron Rodgers Found a New Shailene Named Blu

Will Aaron Rodgers ever find love again after breaking up with Shailene Woodley three months ago or whenever? The thought hangs heavy on our minds, particularly at night. We lie awake at 3 a.m., 4.a.m. We tell ourselves that we should try to get some sleep, but Aaron Rodgers keeps tap-tap-tapping at our heart. “Hello?” he says. “Hello, wake up. Listen to me. Will I ever find love again?” And it seems tonight we can finally answer him.

Yes.

According to the website SideAction, the 38-year-old Green Bay Packers quarterback is dating a witch named Blu of Earth. “Blu describes herself as a witch,” said SideAction’s source, “[she] claims she’s a medicine woman (she has a Bachelor in Broadcast Communication) and is into psychedelic drugs.” A communications major witch medicine woman who’s into psychedelic drugs? Well, well, well. Mr. Anti-Vax has certainly found a live one here, hasn’t he?

But not so fast. As is so often the case with sources who speak on the condition of anonymity to sports sites we had not heard of until today … things may not be as they seem.

“Ps… My name is Blu. Not Blu of Earth 🤦‍♀️” Blu not of Earth wrote in her Instagram Story on Thursday. In a second slide she added, “I do not identify as a witch 😂 Y’all are hilarious.”

Well, fuck me. I guess two of the main things we knew about the witch Blu of Earth (named Blu of Earth, identifies as a witch) are false. But Blu notably did not deny kissing, and maybe even going further, with Aaron Rodgers. And as the New York Post notes, the QB does follow her on Instagram. And there is this photo of them together:

So I think that’s enough evidence. When Aaron Rodgers visits you tonight, you can tell him with confidence that things will work out. He will have his beautiful new Shailene. She doesn’t identify as a witch, unfortunately, but she may be into psychedelic drugs. And she may have majored in communications!

We wish Aaron Rodgers and Blu a lifetime of happiness. And, of course, a dearth of vaccines.