Here’s Why You Should Super Follow Me on Twitter

Assuming I can get @jack to enable it for me

BRAZIL - 2021/08/31: In this photo illustration the Twitter logo seen displayed on a smartphone. (Ph...
SOPA Images/LightRocket/Getty Images
My Only Fans

On Wednesday, Twitter officially launched “Super Follows,” a previously announced feature that lets users charge their followers to access exclusive subscriber-only content, à la Patreon or Substack.

This feature is currently only available to a select group of people — for example, these “creators” named as examples here — who applied to be the first to try Super Follows. I am not one of them. Nor will I be part of the next wave of people who are eligible to beg their followers for money, as I evidently do not meet some of the waitlist criteria, namely: having at least 10,000 followers (rude) and having posted at least 25 times in the past 30 days (I have a life).

But please, @jack, hear me out. There are many value-adds to the Twitter experience that I would provide for my fans, if I were allowed to enable Super Follows. Off the top of my head, here is a list of exclusive content that I would be willing to post for the low price(s) of $2.99, $4.99 or $9.99 a month:

  • A tweet every morning that goes a little something like: “Good morning, my jenn-tle jenn-der neutral children of Gen J!” — this would be my fandom name, alternate spelling “Jen(eration) J” — “What sort of hijennyjinks will you get up to today?” I would “like” up to four replies to this tweet, guaranteed.
  • Sneak peeks into the journalistic process, including: an annual tutorial on how to aggregate one (1) news blog, real-time updates with all the words whose synonyms I look up when writing a post that needs more flavor, complaints about how hard it is to be a speaker of truth to power, and screenshots from my company Slack so that followers can feel like they’re right in the middle of the Gawker newsroom.
  • Subtweets, which is a real treat because I promised myself I would try to refrain from giving into that impulse going forward.
  • Q&As to answer people’s inquiries about how I got Super Follows with less than 10,000 followers. (This is only until I one day reach 10,000 followers.)
  • Photos of my feet, but only one zoomed-in chunk at a time, so that my followers could go crazy trying to piece these scraps together like a puzzle.

I hope you’ll seriously consider this proposal.