Some Ideas for Facebook's New Name

"Nothin' to See Here"?

WASHINGTON, DC - APRIL 10: Facebook CEO, Mark Zuckerberg appears for a hearing at the Hart Senate Of...
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Facebook 2: Book of Secrets

More than 15 years after dropping the “the” (it’s cleaner), Facebook is once again looking to change its name. The Verge reported Tuesday night that the tech company is rebranding in an attempt to be known for “building the metaverse” rather than for building Facebook, the website everyone hates.

The news comes on the heels of whistleblower Frances Haugen testifying before Congress that Facebook has misled the public about “what its own research reveals about the safety of children and the efficacy of its artificial intelligence systems as a role in spreading divisive and extreme messages.” Even though Haugen’s revelations aren’t really anything new, it’s been a rough time for the company, and like all of us have at some point, the execs at Facebook seem to believe that getting a new haircut and few new outfits will change everything.

According to The Verge, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg will go in depth about his company’s rebrand at the company’s annual Connect conference later this month. The company’s new name is meant to usher in a new era wherein Facebook is merely one product among many provided by the company, as it pivots to a focus on the metaverse rather than social media. (For those wondering, the metaverse is like Pokémon Go but worse.) As an added bonus, the company can distance itself from a name that has become increasingly associated with pretty much every possible threat to functioning society.

Facebook is not the first big tech company to attempt a rebrand that matches its broader business ambitions. Who could forget when Google’s parent company changed its name to Alphabet, and concerned consumers breathed a sigh of relief, thinking, “I know what an alphabet is; I feel safe now.”

The million dollar question is: What will the new name be? What is a name powerful enough to eradicate all the ill will toward the company? It needs to convey safety, community, and respect for its users, while also maintaining the gravitas worthy of a tech giant. It’s a tricky brief, but I used to be a creative strategist for brands, so here are my professional recommendations.

  • The Zuck Zone
  • Nothin’ To See Here
  • Hot Or Not (nostalgia play)
  • Just Minions Memes
  • No Bad Guys Allowed
  • FunBook
  • Pro-Trust (opposite of anti-trust)
  • SafeSpace
  • Smiles & Sunshine
  • Livre de Visages (people love a nod to Europe… Häagen-Dazs started in Brooklyn.)
  • Privacy+
  • The Idler Wheel Is Wiser Than the Driver of the Screw and Whipping Cords Will Serve You More Than Ropes Will Ever Do
  • FB

I’ve checked with the focus groups, and these names are killing it in all four quadrants. Any of these options will be sure to maximize revenue and earn back the trust of the world at large.