In this rather ho-hum Monday edition: Jake Gyllenhaal, Peter Sarsgaard, and a puppy; Scarlett and Harnett, Lindsay Lohan at Soho Grand, Adam Sandler, Nicole Kidman in DC, Morrissey and Johnny Marr, Willem Dafoe, John Mayer, Alec Baldwin, John McEnroe, Bill Clinton, Anderson Cooper, Michelle Branch, Nick Valensi, Amy Poehler and Will Arnett, Molly Ringwald, Tate Donovan, Mariska Hargitay, Tom Ford, Carolyn Murphy, Aerin Lauder, Barbara Walters, Stephen King, Lesley Gore, Alexis Stewart, Holland Taylor, Annette Benning, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Sting, Marcus Schenkenberg, Fabian Basabe, Usher, Betsey Johnson, Tony Yayo, Brad Garrett, James Carville, Eddie Izzard, Jacinda Barrett, and Wayne Knight.

• Lindsay Lohan hasn't really given much thought to attending college. Surprising, we know, but think about it: She's already got four years of heavy binge drinking under her belt. What could higher education possibly have to offer? [Gatecrasher (2nd item)]
• If you're going to write a graphic roman clef about your affair with former Times editor Howell Raines, have you any choice but to call it Touched by Ink-Stained Hands? Clearly not. [Page Six]
• Celebs like Paris Hilton don't take Kabbalah seriously enough, prompting Madonna to choke them with her red string. [Scoop]
• Congrats to Us Weekly EIC Janice Min, who's expecting her second child. So many choices for her new baby's name: Tomkat, Federletus, Vaughniston, Brangelina... [Page Six]
• Lloyd Grove gets snippy with WWD's Jeff Bercovici. They'll be meeting under the old willow tree at 4 P.M. to settle things once and for all. [Lowdown (last item)]

Confident that she's honed her acting chops sharper than a coke-flecked razor blade on the whetstone of Herbie: Fully Loaded and fifteen minutes on the set of Robert Altman's A Prairie Home Companion, Lindsay Lohan accepts her greatest challenge yet: trying to remember her lines while staring into Jared Leto's pretty, vacant eyes. According to today's Variety, Lohan has signed on to star opposite rumored real-life hump-buddy Leto in Chapter 27, a film about the murder of John Lennon. Leto will channel Lennon assassin Mark David Chapman, while Lohan plays a Lennon fan who gets friendly with Chapman right before he kills the pop icon. The pairing should make for some fascinating conversation on the shoot, with Leto reclining in his trailer, idly strumming a guitar, and musing, "Like, I'm a musician? So I totally understand what it's like to have all these people love you, and, like, have one jealous dude who wants to kill you? I can connect with that. So, like, I'm coming at this from both sides. It's a total mindfuck." To which Lohan will coo, "Totally, baby. Um, also, you're laying on my hair?"

In this costume-heavy edition: Scarlet Johansson, Josh Hartnett, and third wheel Michelle Trachtenberg, Sting and Trudie Styler, Giorgio Armani, Lindsay Lohan, Fabian Basabe, Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard, Justin Timberlake, Usher, Taye Diggs, Cam ron, American Pie Alumni Jason Biggs and Eddie Kaye Thomas, Better Midler, Elvis John, Martha Stewart and Elvis Duran, Matt Damon, David Cross, Sigourney Weaver, the Strokes, John Cameron Mitchell, David Schwimmer, Ed Burns, Liv Tyler, Julianne Moore, Harvey Keitel, Justina Machado, Jennifer Connelly and Paul Bettany, Missy Elliot, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr, Sandra Bullock and her biker beau, Jimmy Fallon, Molly Shannon, Michael Stipe, Ivana Trump, Bebe Neuwirth, Alec Baldwin, Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg, Tim Curry, Kathy Griffin, Richard Branson, and Ally Sheedy.

There's a terrifying story today about a man who dressed as a fireman for Halloween, lit a fire outside a woman's Chelsea apartment, and then sexually assaulted her for 12 hours. Thankfully, the Post lightens the mood a little bit by pairing the piece with a photograph of Lindsay Lohan in her firefighter Halloween costume. The laughter eases the horror, no?

• Lindsay Lohan is about to officially announce her relationship with Jared Leto, which we suspect will be consummated with a paparazzi-fuelled car crash. Let's just hope sensitive Jordan Catalano can handle the sting of an airbag. [Gatecrasher (2nd item)]
• The delay in Katie Holmes's wedding to Tom Cruise is reportedly over pre-nup negotiations. Holmes's father is representing her and reportedly playing "hardball," meaning that when this tragic union finally ends, Holmes might walk with the cash but not the Xenu. [Scoop]
• Stavros Niarchos — former flame of Mary-Kate Olsen and current fuckpet of Paris Hilton — gives a homeless man $100 to dump a soda on himself. So classy, so sensitive — no wonder Paris enjoys his company. [Page Six]
• Rapper Ice-T suggests confronting bitchy Apprentice cast-off Omarosa with a gun. Meanwhile, NYPD begins filing reports in anticipation. [Lowdown]
• Hotelier (and accessory to Uma Thurman) Andre Balazs is rumored to be selling the Chateau Marmont for $45 million. Thankfully, a low bid from Soho House was denied — we'd hate for our members-only clubs to divert their attention from us for even one second. [Page Six]

Sightings are sent in by readers; send yours to tips@gawker.com.

A Defamer operative shared this recent run-in with bumper-bumping-due-to-bumping-up paparaccident-magnet Lindsay Lohan:

• Cocaine Kate is now Sober Kate, as the supermodel has been released from her paparazzi-hiding stint in rehab. Oh, Katie, New York is waiting for you with open arms. Come on home, sugarpie! [CNN]
• Today show weatherman Al Roker has been Googling himself on the matter of his fantastic on-air fall during Hurricane Wilma and is a tad defensive. Or maybe he's just misses eating entire sandwiches and has no choice but to blog his rage. [Al Roker]
• Making sure your Halloween costume is as gay as possible. [Manhattan Offender]
• The MTA wants to thank you, poor commuter, in some "small, insignificant way." [AP/NYDN]
• Imagine the fear of answering your phone to hear the voice of Harvey Weinstein telling you to vote for Bloomberg. That's exactly why we hate land lines. [Politicker]
• But what Lindsay Lohan really wants to do is direct. [MTV]

· Laguna Beach's teenage-girl-drool-inducer Talan has his eyes set on Hollywood, telling Teen Vogue "I could do a movie if I want to!" Yeah, right, Talan. Like someone's going to put you in some low-budget non-union teen slasher flick, then use Craigslist as their casting director. Shyeah. Whatever, dude.
· LA.comfidential notices a disturbing similarity going on with Fergie and Donald. Let's hope it ends there, and the Don's spawn is the only one who'll need a diaper change anytime soon at Trump manor.
· Lindsay Lohan tells OK! magazine of her recent near-death ordeal, when she was literally being fed through IV drips. And that was at the Geisha House! "I was going through a lot of stuff and overworking and not thinking of my body. I was going through that phase that everyone goes through." This is everyone.
· BLDGBLOG gives us a glimpse into the beyond weird crop-circley big brother world of LA traffic control.
· There's some seriously fishy-assed business going down by the DKNY art department. Either that or we have a Photoshopping Michelangelo in our midst.

While we're not too surprised at the lineup of actors supposedly eager to dirty up their pretty-boy images by portraying the ravages of addiction in the Million Little Pieces adaptation, one of the names interested in playing a rehab love interest (can't wait for the first "meet cute" during a violent vomiting fit) really jumps out. Page Six runs down the rumored casting list:

· There are still more than two days left in an eBay auction for Angelina Jolie's hairbrush, but if you've got $36,000 to burn and a potentially fatal aversion to delayed gratification, you can Buy It Now! [via A Socialite's Life]
· These video clips of Lindsay Lohan and Paris "Don't Call Me Mr. Hilton" Latsis entering Koi separately clearly indicate that the two tabloid-friendly stars will soon be involved in a relationship of a sexual nature.
· Likewise, these pictures of an inebriated-looking Zach Braff and Rachel Bilson partying in Canada obviously reveal that the two actors are carrying on an affair.
· An idea whose time has come: The Defense Against Celebrity Marriage Amendment.
· Sure, you can spend a couple of minutes playing Waxhoff online and have a few giggles. But for less than the cost of some appetizers at TGI Friday's, we bet you could get the real Hasselhoff to let you wax his chest. Not that he needs the money, he just loves his fans that much.

· Wow, now that you mention it, it kinda does look like Halle Berry has six toes. Once again, Berry establishes an almost unattainable ideal of physical perfection.
· The LAT's Richard Rushfield blogs the Hollywood Film Festival's premiere of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and discovers that no one should ever leave Val Kilmer and Robert Downey, Jr. in front of an audience without adult supervision.
· Trump: Martha Stewart is making my show bite the doily. Guess the salad-tossing experiment isn't working out quite as well as they'd hoped.
· When you get bored of watching Desperate Housewives on that tiny iPod screen, you can always look at naked chicks with lots of tattoos.
· Lindsay Lohan's a busy girl, what with the change of hair color and the 5 ayem trips to 7-11 to sit on the floor and read her bad press. Where does she find the energy?

A couple of readers have written in to cast doubts about the authenticity of the auction offering Lindsay Lohan's headlight. Here's one note about the potential fraud:

Perhaps the most excruciating part about yesterday's technical difficulties was knowing that there was an eBay auction involving an artifact of recent historical significance waiting to be snapped up and having no way to share it with you, the enthusiastic collector of Objects Dislodged From Larger Objects Owned (Or Perhaps Leased) By Celebrities. Behold the alleged passenger side headlight from Lindsay Lohan's recently (and infamously) totaled Mercedes:

BritneySpears.com is filtering out obvious nasty comments about Britney's newborn, but more cleverly worded (or frighteningly sincere) ones are still getting through. God bless you, internets, for all the joy your bring.
· Waiting director Rob McKittrick posts some highly entertaining footage of an on-set feud with actor Luis Guzman on his blog. Coincidentally, Waiting comes out today. Oh, look at how cynical we are! Why can't we just enjoy a good pissing match and shut the f up?
· Sex offenders, beware Oprah's vigilante justice.
· Grab a box of tissues, you're about to become a blubbering mess: Lindsay Lohan's jailbird dad loves her heartfelt song about how he destroyed their family.
· The You Can't Make It Up blog offers up some celebrity emoticons. The Tara Reid one is our fave.

• Clearly the most important news of our generation, Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson are (probably) over. Where were you when you found out? Still grieving over the loss of Paris and Paris, no doubt.
• Fear not! We have lost The Newlyweds, but we have gained STAB BABY
• It was kind of a siren-heavy week. Until our lives were on the line.
• Oh, Kate, Kate, Kate.
• Hey hipster! Time just called you a fag!
• We'd just trashed Lauren Weisberger when, without missing a beat, we did it again.
• Gawker fouding editor Elizabeth Spiers still haunts these servers — if you say her name three times before a mirror, a comment-section shitstorm erupts.
• This handy predictive Thursday Styles post will be re-run weekly from here on out.
• What Gawker week would be complete without Radar and Lohan crashing and burning?
• Blogs is big business now. Congrats to Mr. Calacanis, we'll try to spell your name correctly starting... now!
• Oh, Judy, Judy, Judy.
• Oh yes, and some actor fellow got some young starlet in a family way.

By now, we're all painfully aware of Katie Holmes' utter and total submission to Master Cruise. But in a bitch-you-so-did-NOT-just-do-that, yet inevitable, move, Holmes has terminated superflack Leslie Sloane-Zelnick and retained her captor's life-partner's publisister:

• When incarcerated drunkard Michael Lohan heard daughter Lindsay's lyrics in her new "Why, Daddy, Why" single Confessions of a Broken Heart, he was brought to tears. And a nation fell to its knees. So as to be closer to the toilet. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Leonardo DiCaprio buys up the 10th floor of Richard Meier's third Perry Street building, brings Giselle with him. Good thing: The West Village was getting a little thin on celebs. [Page Six]
• The widow of 1950s producer Fred Friendly concedes that George Clooney is much more handsome than her late husband. True love never dies, it just sticks its foot in its mouth. [R&M]
• America's sweetheart Katie Couric gets naughty with landscape painter Stephen Hannock. How anyone can get naughty with a landscape painter is beyond us, but we bet Couric was a Bob Ross fan. [Page Six]
• Roger Ailes jumps on the TomKat bandwagon and discovers — get this — that Katie Holmes has gotten really weird. [Fox411]

Breaking Lindsay Lohan crash news, as the LAT reminds us all why we should never believe the first, second, or third through seventeenth things that issue forth from a publicist's mouth: