• After Paris Hilton's new BFF Brandon Davis hurled an a-bomb of videotaped insults at Lindsay Lohan (who, if you recall, has freckles coming out of her vagina), Lohan exacts revenge by using her tongue to massage the tonsils of Paris' ex, Starvos Niarchos. [Page Six]
• Now that Couric is leaving the Today show, publishers are hungry for her unauthorized biography. Ed Klein is foaming at the mouth. [R&M]
• Meanwhile, not content to be left in the morning show dust, Diane Sawyer makes a subtle, attorney-driven play for the World News Tonight desk. [Page Six]
• Brett Ratner would love to photograph nude women, particularly Lindsay Lohan's 7-foot-long clitoris. [Lowdown]
• Authorities have decided to prosecute "other" Baldwin brother Daniel on cocaine charges. He faces 18 months in jail and, for once, people knowing his name. [CourtTV]
• Jessica Simpson insists that she didn't fire her best friend/assistant CaCee Cobb. She fired a two-timing skank who wouldn't stop being friendly with Nick Lachey. [IMDb]

Let the distancing of Paris Hilton from the Shitfaced Brandon Davis Firecrotch Diatribe begin! Hilton publicist Elliot Mintz has constructed a clever defense of his client predicated on the assertions that 1) Davis and Hilton are, in fact, distinct, somewhat sentient organisms, and 2) that while Hilton did appear to enjoy her drunken friend's prolonged character-assassinating vagina monologue, she did not actually verbalize any of her feelings about Lohan, Lohan's insufficient net worth, or the approximate length of very sensitive parts of Lohan's anatomy. Damage controls Mintz to TMZ:

Because the Brandon Davis/Paris Hilton firecrotch-slandering video seemed to cry out for some kind of expletive accounting, our pals at Gawker put together a breakdown of all the slurred fun:

The little war between Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan has a whole new front: Brandon Davis, the oil scion best known for boozing his way to the top of Los Angeles' tower of celebutwat nightlife. The omnipresent cultural pornographers at TMZ have released a video shot last night, featuring Paris Hilton and Davis — who's so drunk as to sport some impressive facial bloat. Always a gentleman, Davis defends his lady friend, ranting about Lohan for an impressive three-and-a-half minutes before throwing the ultimate gauntlet (as transcribed by our brother Defamer): "Lindsay Lohan is a firecrotch, she has freckles coming out of her vagina, and her clitoris is seven feet long." Well, now you know.

The online stalkerazzi at TMZ.com knew that if they shot enough video of people stumbling into and out of Hollywood clubs, eventually they'd hit the jackpot. And last night they did, capturing three-and-a-half minutes of oil heir/committed scenester/drunken jackass Brandon Davis throwing shitfaced napalm on the Paris Hilton-Linsday Lohan conflagration by loudly and repeatedly addressing the burning Lohan carpet/drape-matching question (which we hadn't realized was a controversy until now) as a giggling Hilton egged him on. With the zeal of a teenage Klan inductee at the moment he realizes it's OK to drop the n-bomb at his first hate-in, Davis reveals a weird prejudice against redheads by derisively declaring Lohan a "firecrotch" over and over again, occasionally stumbling into spittle-flecked inspiration like "Lindsay Lohan is a firecrotch, she has freckles coming out of her vagina, and her clitoris is seven feet long." That run arrives at the tail-end of the footage, right before the part where you start thinking that taking a shower in hot bleach to atone for watching the entire video might be a good idea. But if you watch only one video of an asshole Mischa Barton ex-boyfriend saying unflattering things about Lindsay Lohan's ladyparts today, make it this one.

TMZ.com reports a clash of the Lohan and Hilton factions at Hollywood club Hyde on Friday night, in which tense words were allegedly exchanged between trips to the bathroom stall and quaintly exhibitionist tabletop dances involving the chugging of overpriced designer vodka-based cocktails. Sadly, dueling publicist statements reveal that no high-caliber firearms were discharged in the course of the dispute:

• Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton stop disappointingly short of bitchslapping one another on Friday night. Don't worry — soon enough, they'll destroy one another and turn to white dust. [TMZ]
• Barbra Streisand and James Brolin actually talk their way into getting free movie tickets. Even more offensive, they were for M:I:3. [Lowdown]
• NBC's new line-up looks dismal; as punishment for the continued suckage, entertainment chief Kevin Reilly will likely take the fall over Jeff Zucker. That's what you get for not converting. [Page Six]
• Director Brian Grazer is a fan of what some call mantling: placing a framed picture of yourself amongst your hosts' other pictures. [R&M]
• Madonna is spotted in LA without her wedding ring, fueling more speculation about the state of her marriage with Guy Ritchie. Nothing that couldn't be fixed with a romantic hot tub full of Kabbalah water. [Scoop]
• Ja Rule's posse is so dedicated, they'll even slap his bitches for him. [Page Six]

The latest issue of Star reports that the alpha bitch of showbiz moms, Dina Lohan, is writing a tell-all. Aimed at mothers who want to transform their innocent, talented children into floozy cash-cows, the book will be a guide to pimping and pushing your womb into a lucrative brand. Lohan tells Star's David Caplan (awkwardly pictured):

A glimpse into the future: from right, Lindsay Lohan at ages 19, 25, and 30.

• Lindsay Lohan admits to having an asscrack double on Saturday Night Live. Is nothing real anymore? Is nothing sacred? [Defamer]
• You know, we don't get fantasy sports leagues. Dudes check that shit every three minutes, and we don't have the heart to tell them that it's not real. But a fantasy celebrity league? That's about as real as it gets. [ESPN]
• Blogfight, resolved: Michael Malice runs back to Overheard in NY. [NY Overheard]
• Rebecca Traister spends way too much time figuring out why college boys are having erectile dyfunction problems. We have the answer in two words: coke cock. [Broadsheet]
• Abercrombie & Fitch will do just about anything to lure the Gays. [Consumerist]
• Oh, happy day: it's a socialite blog! Meet Melissa C. Morris, who has no problem marrying a man called Chappy. [Melissa C. Morris]
• One in seven of New York's east Asian immigrants is carrying Hepatitis B. Just something to think about when you start flirting with the locals at Winnie's. [NYT]

Page Six reported today that Lindsay Lohan's lackluster Today show appearance on Monday morning was due to an all nighter with a group of friends that included an unnamed Conde Nast staffer. Clearly said staffer deserves a promotion and a gold medal for his dedication to the Conde cause, so we put it to our dear readers to name some names.

• COINSLOTGATE: Did Lohan Use A Crack-Double? [Defamer]

Why'd Lindsay Lohan sniffle and snooze her way through Monday morning's Today show interview? Because she was up all night with some friends, blowing rails off her Ouija board and playing round after round of Girl Talk. Duh. Page Six reports that Lohan's Sunday night posse included a couple of friends, her assistant, and a Conde Nast staffer.

• Seventeen EIC Atoosa Rubenstein continues to drop verbal gems wherever she goes. At Gotham Hall last night, she let it be known that in high school, no one wanted to have sex with her because of her hairy "werewolf legs." Well, now we know. But we wish we didn't. [Muckracked]
• We can't help it, but we're still kind of loving the cracktarded TMZ. Their paparazzi video clips are priceless — watch Nicole Richie walk out of a doctor's office and feel the magic for yourselves! [TMZ]
• And in other emaciated starlet news, Lindsay Lohan is seen kissing Kate Moss's latest boy, 21-year-old bartender Jaime Burke. Could he be the K-Fed of the coke crowd? [People]
• The Times blog development team has some major security issues to deal with. [Daily Gotham]
• Amazingly enough, the New Yorker manages to take all the joy out of Astoria's Bohemian Hall Beer Garden with one simple review. [NYer]
• Tom Cruise can conquer the world — but a car door, not so much. [Got Detroit]
• Bloomberg visits the set of the Nanny Diaries. He just adored the book, y'know? [Newsday]
• Thankfully, we can always turn to Williamsboard to remind us that hipsters have no reservations about being just as stereotypical as ever. [Williamsboard]
• Bad news: After spending a week submerged in a tank full of bombast, David Blaine's hands and feet seem to be returning back to normal. [ABC]

• For you alarmists out there who believe in the myth of forthcoming environmental disasters, enjoy a map of what Manhattan would look like if the sea levels were to rise a healthy 9 meters. Au revoir, Alphabet City. [Flood.firetree.net]
• Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn's engagement enters the completely unfounded and highly unlikely rumor phase. [Patrique Gossip]
• New York's highest court denies Diddy's appeal, ordering him to pay over $19K/month in child support to ex-girlfriend Misa Hylton-Brim. That should just about cover the mental anguish of having to see him naked. [AP]
• And while Diddy may have to shell out more pennies than he'd like, at least he's still allowed to devote an entire Time 100 table to his formidable posse. [FishbowlNY]
• Axl Rose swears that Chinese Democracy will be out by the end of this century. Really, he means it this time. [Billboard]
• Lindsay Lohan appeared on TRL yesterday, but wouldn't talk to Vanessa Minnillo until their mutual flack Leslie Sloane Zelnick hammered out a 2-minute peace treaty. [Jossip]
• Barbara Walters is supposedly angry with Meredith Vieira for leaving The View. If she left us with Rosie O'Donnell, we'd be pissed, too. [TMZ]
• And finally, THE ELLIES ARE TONIGHT! WHEE! Check back here later for our breaking updates, sent lovingly from the scene of Magville's debutante ball.

At first, we suspected that our favorite actress was actively trying to develop "The Wink" as her signature one-sheet move (surely we all remember Matthew McConaughey's now-iconic "The Lean" ), a visual shorthand letting you know that this is a Lindsay Lohan Film, Where Fun Things Are About To Happen!™ But then we realized there's a likelier, less calculated explanation: Lohan showed up for her photo sessions exhausted from typical, sleepless nights of non-stop partying, and when a team of exasperated pros couldn't halt the uncontrollable twitching in her eyes with even a potent combination of make-up tricks and injected muscle relaxers, just worked the tic into the ad campaigns. Voila! A trademark is born. But the first true test of her move's staying power will come when it's time to do posters for her darker upcoming films, Bobby and Chapter 27, where The Wink will have to be reinvented as a more subtle spasm of grief punctuating the horrors of the Bobby Kennedy and John Lennon assassinations. We think those uncontrollably fluttering eyelids are up to the task.

Well, almost equal:

Influential New Yorker Lindsay Lohan appeared on the Today show this morning, sitting down with Matt Lauer to promote her latest film, Just My Luck. She didn't seem too pleased to be there, however — lots of smirking and eye-rolling. Her game was off, and not in the way that would suggest she barely slept last night. If eating and keeping clean means we get a grumpy LiLo, we're happy to take away her Jamba Juice and give her eight ball back:

• Today in the life of Chardenade Heatherich, Denise Richards tells her side of the story to Us Weekly. She says that she never meant for the court documents to become public, and that her "priority all along has been to focus on my children and their well-being." And to not be such a dickface. [Us Weekly]
• But Sheen's rep, the talented Stan Rosenfield of Clooney-Stalker fame, says that there was never any effort on Richards' part to keep the documents private. To boot, she might've sacked her former flacks when they advised against spreading the docs. [Page Six]
• Anna Nicole Smith is looking knocked up — if her womb is indeed full, the baby daddy will be wisely looking for some love from her newly accessible inheritance. [R&M]
• Courtney Love may be sober, but she's still flashing her wilted ladyflower whenever she gets the chance. [Page Six]
• Is anglofairy flack Rob Shuter trying to woo Britney Spears away from publicist Leslie Sloan-Zelnik? And, if so, shouldn't Zelnik be relieved? [Lowdown]
• Shortly after his spanking-new breakup with Paris Hilton, Starvos Niarchos seeks comfort in the company of Lindsay Lohan. [Scoop]
• Not that Paris cares — she's already moved on to fucking Heisman winner Matt Leinart. [LVRJ]

It's likely you have caught wind by now of reports claiming Paris Hilton and her partner in whippet-induced Bentley-totaling crime, Stavro Niarchos, have finally ended their lusty tango of STD back-and-forth-passing romance. Adding another skanky wrinkle to the story is Life & Style magazine (the same celebrity journalism fabulists who broke the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes split-up story), claiming Nicole Richie's confidante and sometimes bathroom stall solo clean-up crew member Lindsay Lohan had been spotted at club Element on April 24 with Niarchos. According to the story, the two were "dirty dancing," and at one point the Greek shipping heir "had his hand up her skirt." A PR flack for the club then sent out this mass e-mail denying the story: