This pic at Liquid Generation claims that Lindsay Lohan tumbled to the floor of a night club because she's a "drunken wreck." She just turned 18, not 21, so we can't endorse that interpretation of events. We'll just go with an alternate explanation that keeps Lindsay legal and far away from Mary-Kate territory: She's not yet comfortable with her sudden blossoming and is still learning how to navigate in stilettos with a radically shifted center of gravity.

Wherein we entreat you, the gossip-devouring reader, to divine the identity of this week's blind item subject in humpy, barely-coherent E! dirt-slinger Ted Casablanca's column. Today, One Sour-Balling Blind Vice:

A traveler overhears Pat O'Brien grousing in American's Admiral's Club about the legal problems surrounding his move from NBC's Access Hollywood to the syndicated The Insider at Paramount. (Quick, boring background: NBC-Uni is suing Paramount to stop O'Brien from starting work on the new show.)

It just goes to show you: You can take the girl out of Kentwood, but you can't make the girl stop drinking booze out of tiny bottles and chasing it with Red Bull while gorging on junk food with her skeezy dancer fiancé in Malibu. On some level, it's refreshing that Brit has temporarily eschewed Hollywood pretension and embraced her inner trailer park. But we can't quite shake the fear [Ed. note—hope] she'll soon be opening a meth lab in her tour bus.

J-Unit of TVGasm, Defamer's resident expert on the veracity of celebrity breast photography, writes in with an assessment of the recent Britney Spears nipple slip printed in The Sun UK.

The newly-appointed Defamer Correspondent On The Phobias Of Seizure-Inducing Blockbuster Directors sends us a little dirt about the new Superman movie in development at Warner Bros. [UPDATE after the jump]:

Several readers have written in with concern that Jason Alexander's use of the word "gobsmacked" in his blow-by-blow report of his honeymoon sex with Britney Spears seems a little inauthethentic for a Kentwood, LA resident. Indeed, that did strike us as strange when first we read his riveting account of the noises that emnate from a pop-star on her wedding night, but someone much smarter than us already pointed it out. "Gobsmacked" may not seem to be an oft-intoned entry in the Louisiana lexicon, but—Hey, look over there! Britney's titty fell out! (NSFW)

The Daily confirms the rumor we'd heard shortly after it was announced last week that Mira Sorvino and boy-toy-turned-bridegroom Chris Backus married at a Santa Barbara courthouse: there was a big, Armani-sponsored wedding coming soon on the Italian island of Capri. The Daily's report also slyly reminds us that Sorvino raided the struggling-actor's cradle, slipping in this line: "Backus looked mature beyond his 22 years in a classic gray morning suit, complete with waistcoat, pinstriped trousers and a jacquard white tie..." Alas, there are no thinly-veiled references to Sorvino's supposed pregnancy or whether Backus kept trying to bus the tables at the reception.

Our newly-appointed Correspondent On Former SNL Star Mind-Control Rays files this dispatch on the casting of the upcoming Will Ferrell/Nicole Kidman update of Bewitched. According to our correspondent, Ferrell is using his newfound box-office clout to populate the movie with his friends and former co-stars [all-caps theirs]:

Both Rush & Molloy and Page Six hit the Cameron Diaz video this morning, noting that a cease-and-desist letter has been fired off to Scandal-Inc, the website currently distributing Cam's on-camera love affair with a can of freon and some light, Home Depot-style bondage. But Page Six ignored Fleshbot's review and actually plunked down the US$39.95 for the video, and offer their own summary of the yawn-inducing proceedings. [Ed. note—We're guessing that's an abuse of the NYDN's expense account, and demand that they conduct an audit. Really, who pays for porn on the internet?]

Blogger A Fly On The Wall reports that electronic listening devices ("bugs," in the parlance of espionage) were found in Disney CEO Michael Eisner's office on the company's Burbank lot during a "routine" security check over the July 4th holiday weekend. Just to make sure everything was nice and bug-free (tiny microphones do wreak havoc on an office's decor), some furniture was hauled away, ostensibly to be replaced by furnishings vetted by Disney's anti-spy squad. We've unfairly imagined Eisner as a disturbed paranoid, fortifying his office against bloodthirsty shareholder mobs. But it appears his fears were justified. What's that saying? "Just because I'm paranoid, doesn't mean there's not a highly-sensitive, covert listening device hidden in the area that Mickey's privates would occupy, were he not rendered as a rodent eunuch"?

Long-raincoated step-blog Fleshbot took a night off from plugging quarters into the peek-a-boo booths of the Big Easy and spent hours scouring Usenet groups for the full Cameron Diaz "softcore" video. Fleshbot on a porn-hunting mission will not be denied; a review of the video is now up.

Today's Rush & Molloy column has more post-mortem on recently-expired screen legend Marlon Brando. The reclusive star was fiercely protective of his privacy, and his surviving friends and family are insuring some questions have only vague answers.

The last thing we want to do is ignite another controversy over Britney Spears' injured knee. This time, we'll let World of Britney handle the hate-mail from physical therapist and Britney superfans. WOB on this picture of Britney (at left), resting on the beach, sans knee brace:

When a young actress pays good money for a new set of breasts and wants the world to know about it, there are two places she should immediately and drunkenly stick them: a) in an undersized tank-top (check!), and b) a yellow sports-car (check!). The paparazzi photographs will take care of themselves. Photo courtesy of the JJB board, your internet home of uncredited, embarrassing celebrity photography. Oh yes, there are more where these came from.

Page Six already told us about the Olsen Twins' "Got Milk?" campaign getting blown off the mirror. This gift from an anonymous reader imagines a world in which white mustaches of another kind have hit the mainstream, and where there are no troubled starlets with "eating disorders," just a healthy appetite for partying. Click the picture to see the entire "lost ad."

· What a fucking poseur: Madonna's Rocco totally bites Brooklyn Beckham's haircut. [The Sun UK]
· Harvey Weinstein is so sick of Disney CEO/F 9/11 cockblocker Michael Eisner that he might leave Miramax, a company named after his beloved parents. [Page Six]
· The last straw for Mary Kate? The Olsens "got milk" ads are sidelined out of "sensitivity to her situation." We think she's just defecting to a competing beverage's campaign: "Coke Is It." [Page Six]
· Jessica Simpson a Bond Girl. She was their third choice, behind Catherine Zeta-Jones and Britney Spears. We think there is no one better to play subtly-monikered Bond femme fatale Titsy McRetard than Simpson. [Teen Hollywood]
· Trouble in boy band/celebutante skank paradise: Nick Carter spends 1 Night Spatting In Paris [NYDN]

Men of Hollywood, despair. Your hopes for a famous bride with a jaw-dropping dowry and eye-poppingly creepy cleavage have been dashed upon the rocks of temporary, celebrity matrimony. Tori Spelling is finally and officially off the market, as married actor/playwright Charlie Shanian (not pictured on left, we think) on Saturday. As Spelling-obsessed stepsister site Gawker pointed out some time ago, the couple is registered at Tiffany. Why not stroll over to their registry and play one of our favorite party games, "Which of these items wouldn't fit in the expanse separating Tori's tits?"

Today is a very special day indeed. On July 2nd, 1986—exactly 18 years ago—Lindsay Lohan was brought into the world. In honor of this milestone, in which Miss Lohan completes the transition from Hollywood Jailbait to Hollywood Barely Legal, we present the photo from Awful Plastic Surgery that started it all, and admit they're probably real.

Tinfoil-helmeted blogger Jim Treacher has a moment of clarity, where the sex scandals align and conspiracies are nearly revealed. Jack Ryan's public sex scandal...a former "Jack Ryan" allegedly f**ked in the a**? Something is up: