In a story about a police report that Paula Abdul filed in Hollywood on Tuesday night concerning some incidents that allegedly took place late Saturday, Us Weekly might have inadvertently stumbled on a new reason that the loopy American Idol judge appeared typically zonked on this week's shows: a concussion. Said Abdul to the cops about the late-night party:
Today, the LAT attempts to answer the nagging question that has been keeping much of America up nights: Will Paris Hilton's upcoming Warner Bros. Records release ("dropping," as her army of jr.-skanks-in-training might say, this summer) live up to its vast suck potential? Or, as the preliminary buzz may indicate, might it not turn out to be a half-decent dance record, throwing a nation into existential crisis as they curse the involuntary foot-tapping pleasures they are experiencing as they surrender to that most vile of things, the Paris Hilton side project? It's still too early to weigh in definitively, though the article reads like a compendium of backhanded compliments, as various journalists and music industry types relay their shock at how "Paris Hilton, Pop Siren" turns out to be not nearly as awful as "Paris Hilton, Human Being":
· Because merely propping up a Kate Couric RealDoll in a chair next to Matt Lauer would be too creepy for the morning show demo, NBC steals The View's Meredith Vieira to replace Couric on Today. And nope, still can't make ourselves care. [Variety]
· Great news for Lost fans: Touchstone TV throws piles of money down the hatch to keep showrunners Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse with the show for at least another season. [THR]
· Var beat us to the Extreme Makeover joke, but ABC's comedy development team is on the way out. We suppose that someone had to pay the price for the Jake in Progess/Emily's Reasons Why Not no-see TV block. [Variety]
· Seemingly Bizarre Studio Choice That May Only Make Sense Two Years From Now Of The Day: Bend It Like Beckham and Bride & Prejudice director Gurinder Chadha will take over the big screen remake of Dallas for Fox. [THR]
· CAA will branch out to eat babies on behalf of sports stars, poaching IMG agents Tom Condon and Ken Kremer (who between them have clients like Peyton and Eli Manning) from IMG. [Variety]
After the Earth-shattering buzz following Britney Spears' recent guest appearance on Will & Grace (read: a half-dozen West Hollywood viewing parties shriek-laughing between sips of White Trash Russians), there are rumors that the singer-actress is looking to swap the order of her hybrid multi-talents, putting acting first:
God's Random Gossip Generator has produced its arguably greatest, most mind-melting work, as Fox 411's Roger Friedman reports that fauxteur-about-town Brett Ratner has been seen hanging around with starlet-passed-out-in-the-bathroom-stall Lindsay Lohan, both at the Chateau Marmont and at Ratner's swingin', grandparent-chaparoned bachelor pad:
The British tabloid press seem intent on turning the shaming of new James Bond Daniel Craig into a national pastime, to be enjoyed alongside such others cherished local activities as eight-day cricket matches and deep-fried cod. Their carefully adhered to format dictates merely thinking up a Bond skill (driving a manual sports car, hand-to-hand combat, operating a weapon, exposure to daylight), then reporting that Craig's complete incompetence at said skill rendered him injured and/or a laughing stock, followed by a mention that an expert is being flown in for tutorial. Note how all the elements fall into place with this story from The Sun about Craig's poker-playing illiteracy:
Today's NY Times looks at Tina Fey's still-untitled, behind-the-scenes-at-a-variety-show NBC sitcom pilot, which may wind up making the schedule despite the presence of Aaron Sorkin's behind-the-scenes-at-a-variety-show dramedy pilot, a potential logjam that NBC president Kevin Reilly categorizes as a "high-class problem":
We've often found ourselves wishing that someone would finally drag Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria into the Nevada desert and secure her to the arid terrain with airline cable and stakes, but it was a decidedly less worshipful proposition than the stunt that Maxim magazine has staged to celebrate its 100th issue. They've installed a 110-foot-long version of their milestone cover outside of Las Vegas (above is a screenshot from a Google Earth link the magazine provides on their website; that little white thing at the bottom is a truck, if you need sense of terrifying scale), perhaps the largest monument to a B-list TV actress ever constructed. Expect an immediate response by castmate/famewhore rival Teri Hatcher, who has her publicist researching the feasibility of swaddling the Good Year blimp in her "I Was Molested!" Vanity Fair cover, which they would like to hire to circle the airspace above the Housewives set through their entire third season.
· Back during the early days of production on Batman & Robin, George Clooney's agents rejected a version of the hero's costume championed by director Joel Schumacher featuring a pump-action crotch-trigger and plastic butt-plug inspired by this vintage watergun. Eventually, however, Clooney's team compromised and the project's costume department was hard at work on a series of interchangeable rubber nipples.
· Best Week Ever tried to go viral by sending out an e-mail that said "Have you seen this yet? Someone's lost their fucking mind! Better download them now, before they take them off the server" and linking to these promo clips. Minds officially not fucking blown. The chick in the one with the rash is kind of hot, though.
· South Park wins a Peabody, probably for having the courage to rescue Tom Cruise from Stan's closet.
· Famous person falls down! Tonight on ANTM.
· Don't crash your Ferrari into Busta's rose bush, yo.
It pains us somewhat to admit it, but now that Sharon Stone seems done with the majority of her publicity commitments for Basic Instinct 2, we kind of miss Hollywood's First Lady of Crazy, who amazed us on a nearly daily basis with her opinions on topics as wide-ranging as Middle East peace and how teens can use blowjobs to avoid penetrative sex. So desperate are we for any Stone-related nonsense that we're inclined to pass along this completely unsourced report from Contact Music, your internet home of absurd-sounding gossip, which claims that the actress wants to direct Basic Instinct 3:
If you have been racking your brain as to how to add your name to serial matrimonialist Chad Michael Murray's ever-growing engagement calendar, your prayers may have just been answered: Sunkist soda's exciting "Ultimate Orange Beach Party" will fly one lucky winner and 15 friends to Miami to meet the cast of One Tree Hill. (There's nothing guaranteeing Murray will be in attendance, but c'mon, when has the guy turned down an evening of wife shopping?) Of course, anyone can enter, though it doesn't hurt if you and your 15 friends all happen to be ovulating females, 16-19, and acutely susceptible to lines like, "You're the one, baby. Love like this doesn't come around every season."
· A Very Special Actors-Turned-Musicans Round-up: Dan Aykroyd hosts Jim Belushi and the Sacred Hearts are at Avalon, while Jenna "Six" Von Oy plays Genghis Cohen.
· Living sci-fi writing legend Ray Bradbury speaks and and signs books with fellow author M.G.Lord at Barnsdall Park in Los Feliz. Non-nerds trying to attend this event will be summarily swirlied.
· Former President Bill Clinton will discuss what he's been working on since the good old days of budget surpluses and Oval Office hummers at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion today and tomorrow.
Having correctly completed all the necessary paperwork to apply for a chaperoned furlough from Tom Cruise's compound, Scientology war bride Katie Holmes was granted permission for a day of shopping in Beverly Hills yesterday. Coming out of Barney's New York (above update: image removed by request of owner), America's most suspicious expectant mother displayed all the classic indicators of an imminent fake delivery—skinny limbs, a face free of late third-trimester puffiness, and, most tellingly, a mid-sized beach ball inflated to the maximum pressure allowable by any respectable member of the National Board of Ersatz Obstetrics and Gynecology. Based on the above photo, it could be any minute now before a drone back at the compound silently pushes forth new life into the world, then watches as the baby is whisked away to its proud, commissioning parents before she can even sigh, "She has Genetic Material Injector #44477A's eyes." She'll never be prouder than when Cruise and Holmes introduce the child to a preselcted, nonsuppressive member of the celebrity press.
It had been so long since we'd heard anything about the Cameron Diaz "Sexy" Photos Trial, in which Diaz and photographer John Rutter sued each other over what were perhaps the least erotic seminude images of a pre-fame, A-list star ever taken, that we'd almost forgotten the whole situation ever happened. (We fear that the part of our brain responsible for storing the memory of Diaz perking up her nipples with a can of freon might have been damaged in the process of erasing the Fred Durst "touch my balls and my ass" incident.) But today comes news that a judge (does our justice system ever seem swifter than when punishing those who seek to expose celebrity naughtyparts to the public?) has piled on "an undisclosed amount in statutory damages" for Diaz's civil against Rutter, who's currently serving a jail term in connection with the earlier criminal case and undoubtedly lamenting his tragic involvement in what are probably proving to be the most expensive B-cups in Hollywood history.
Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers. Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you saw an orange Lindsay Lohan stumble into the Chateau Marmont after an all-night partying binge.
· Hugh Jackman may be crowned King of Cannes, with both X Men: The Last Stand and The Fountain premiering at the festival. His first royal act will be to require that everyone join him for a mandatory showtune singing session in the town square to begin each day. [Variety]
· Not content to run Blockbuster nearly out of business, Netflix obtains a patent for its "DVD rentals by mail, unless the postman steals them" business model, then immediately sues the chain for stealing their idea. [THR]
· A federal judge finds that The WB's Smallville may be infringing on the copyrighted "Superboy" character, created by Jerome Siegel. No person, however, can claim a copyright on Smallville actor Tom Welling's pretty-boy looks, the true star of the show. [Variety]
· Congenitally perky early morning TV presence Kate Couric abandons NBC's Today Show to join Les Moonves' CBS harem as evening news anchor and 60 Minutes correspondent. Yeah, we really don't care either. [THR]
· Parker Posey will join ABC's Boston Legal for a three episode arc, during which extra set builders will be on hand to replace the scenery chewed to splinters by the combination of William Shatner, James Spader, and their temporary guest star. [THR]
Much derided new 007 Daniel Craig looks as though he's been hitting Her Majesty's Secret Weightroom lately, though the frustrating confinements of his wardrobe requirements appear to be getting the better of him. No doubt at the precise moment this photograph was snapped, Craig was thinking back to his happier, freebagging days as an activist at the forefront of the "tomato juice, not clothes" nudism movement.
Late Monday afternoon, news hit that Die Hard director (or Last Action Hero director, if you insist on being cruel) John McTiernan has been charged with lying to investigators about his relationship to Hollywood Wiretapping Hall of Fame first-ballot inductee Anthony Pellicano, whom McTiernan had allegedly hired both in connection with his divorce from ex-wife Donna Dubrow and to do a little eavesdropping on Rollerball producer Charles Roven. Today's LAT starts to piece together the illicit McTiernan-Pellicano love affair, including this delightful piece of process-serving color:
The competition was fierce on American Idol last night. Not the singing—just give it to Katharine McPhee already—but the ongoing "No, YOU'Re gayer" slapfest between two of the swishiest allegedly heterosexual males on primetime TV, Simon "Bitch in a Muscle Shirt" Cowell and Ryan "Boy-Handsy" Seacrest. Reality Blurred offers a recap of their most recent claw-sharpened exchange:
