In a perfect Scientological world, female birthing vessels would not come equipped with mouths, thus sparing their newborns from any "Mommy is a crazy screaming lady!" first memories that could quite possibly scar a person for life. Of course, there are always creative ways around life's little inconveniences. NY Daily News JV Gossip Lloyd Grove notes today that Tom Cruise may have custom ordered a special "shriek-reducing" pacifier for his adorable heir-dispenser, Katie Holmes:

· Hottest Hollywood Assistants has made a bold return after a brief webhost-related absence, and now features permalinking ability for individual profiles, in case you really need to direct a coworker to the humiliating pictures you posted of him on the site.
· Bob Ross: The Video Game. No f'ing way!
· Hey! Clooney eatin' a hot dog!
· PR Masterpiece Theater Presents The Total Ignorance Ploy: "Kidman's U.S. rep told The Scoop she has 'no idea' if the story is true, adding, 'I'm afraid [I've] never heard this before!'"

With higher-level problems plaguing the Paramount lot recently, executives probably haven't had too much time to worry about new and exciting ways in which to humiliate the CBS employees cast out of Viacom Eden following the company's corporate schism. However, it seems that someone finally found a free moment to organize the distribution of new ID cards to all Melrose lot-based staff, perhaps finally closing any loopholes that might allow the CBS unwashed to infiltrate Paramount-sponsored screenings and possibly presaging the re-revoking of the beloved DVD discount. According to a memo (presented in full after the jump, because Paramount memos are infinitely more enthralling than ones at your place of business) distributed around the lot, CBSers will get their own brands cards sometime in July, allowing plenty of time for Viacom to finish constructing the tiger cages provisional workspaces to which anyone foolish enough to show up to the trap ID distribution will be relocated.

Ask anyone in Hollywood where they stand on the Hillary issue, and you're likely to get an answer along the lines of, "She's, like, a way better singer than that skankbag Lindsay." Further qualify that you're referring not to Hilary Duff but to Senator Hillary Clinton's chances at a White House run, and the answers aren't nearly as clear cut. The LAT explores how the industry's love affair with the presidential hopeful has been cooling in recent months as liberal Hollywood looks for a promising candidate to lead us out of the Bush era:

· Cinespace hosts a screening of Boys and Girls: The Guide to Getting Down, followed by a CD release party for Dirty Little Secret featuring live shows by the band and Your Enemies Friends.
· Paul "The Real Life Don Cheadle From Hotel Rwanda" Rusesabagina speaks at the Walt Disney Concert Hall as part of the Music Center Speaker Series.
· Should you brave the torrential rains threatening to wash away the entire city, there is music to be heard: Ima Robot and Gram Rabbit at the House of Blues for Indie 103.1's "South by Sunset Strip" festival; Wires on Fire and the Cold War Kids at the Troubadour; Andrew WK at the Knitting Factory.

Thanks to a personal note of apology from Hugh Hefner, the feud between Playboy and unwitting cover girl Jessica Alba has ended without litigation. Alba, you'll recall, was displeased that a promotional photo of her in full Into the Blue wardrobe landed on the magazine's cover, potentially indicating that she appeared nude inside the magazine, a career-resuscitating desperation move that still might be years away from occurring. Reuters quotes from Hefner's "my bad" note owning up to his publication's premature actions:

We encourage you to avoid making any loud noises, sudden movements, and saying things like "Man, this heroin feels so great" around recovering addict Brad Renfro. The down-and-out actor has just gone through what had to be one of the tougher chapters of his 23-year-old existence: He's submitted himself to nine days of court-ordered detox after his drug arrest and ten days in the big house for a separate DUI charge. And despite lawyer Richard Kaplan's constant intonations of Renfro wanting to "get back to work," the actor appears to be doing the right thing by putting his career aside and taking up immediate residence in a live-in rehab facility. CourtTV.com spoke with the actor about his recent struggles:

Discovering that he'd been caught in a public display of paternal affection at Sunday's Benchwarmers premiere event, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger overcompensated for the tender display by gripping his son's head in his massive hand, and with a single, elegantly violent motion, tore the child's head from his shoulders, instantly calling to mind the best moments of a long-abandoned movie career.

Firstly, we apologize in advance for the smoothing of the part of your brain responsible for seeking suitable reproductive partners that will occur shortly after viewing the above image, but when a reader spends that much time making Photoshop magic, we feel an obligation to pass it along. Meanwhile, ET Online has a preview of this weekend's hard-hitting Tom Cruise profile in Parade magazine, in which Cruise reveals details of his relationship with his deceased father and discusses the problems of his peripatetic childhood:

It's been too long since last we checked in with Andy's Blog, Bravo network executive Andy Cohen's little name-droppy, oversharing corner of the blogosphere. Sadly, there were no further celebrity psychoanalytical word games, though Harry Connick, Jr. does get a rave review in his starring role in The Pajama Game revival on Broadway, followed of course by the requisite backstage introduction ("He was all Southern Charm.") We must admit, though, we were thrown a bit when Cohen went on to talk about a recent car purchase, in which he partook in some unabashed homo self-loathing in the hopes of netting nothing more than a good deal on the deluxe leather interior package:

· After three weeks at the top of the box office in Hong Kong, Eight Below star Paul Walker's march towards international superstardom seems more inevitable than ever. [Variety]
· In other news involving huge international stars, John Stamos joins ER (apparently still on TV!) with a full-time gig as "a flirtatious paramedic who also is a medical student and a Gulf War veteran." Yeah, that sounds about right. [THR]
· New Line plans an interactive "Thrill Ride" edition of the Final Destination 3 DVD—think Choose Your Own Adventure, but instead of being captured by a suspicious old miner, you suffer a ridiculous and gruesome death at the hands of Fate. [Variety]
· Deal or No Deal continues to mystify us with its success, drawing 17.5 million viewers last night. Fox is rumored to be in the planning stages of its obligatory hybrid knockoff, Celebrities Screaming At Briefcases Full of Money. (We're going to keep making that "screaming at briefcases" joke until America comes to its senses and banishes Howie Mandel to QVC.) [THR]
· When two things you don't care about collide: French strikes affect the MIP international TV market meetings. [Variety]

Trust us—we care as much about Chad Michael Murray as you do. We'd be perfectly content flying safely out of his "girls, age 9-13" demo radar, but the guy makes it almost impossible to ignore him. First, he weds his One Tree Hill co-star Sophia Bush in a lavish, seaside ceremony, only to divorce four months later, with Bush citing "fraud" in the annulment papers. Now, People reports that he's engaged to yet another Hill "crew member," (according to E! Online, a cheerleader extra), 18-year-old Kenzie Dalton. Of course, Bush is still on the series, which shouldn't be awkward at all for the production. It seems in One Tree Hill Murray has hit the motherlode source for his insatiable starlet-marrying appetite; we only question if he really needs divorce one to move onto another. This seems like the perfect opportunity for a Big Love-type on-set polygamist scenario, with Murray the Bill Paxton Jr., scampering exhaustedly between the adjoining trailers of each of his equally adored actress brides.

A theater in New York City has yanked the trailer for Universal's United 93 over concerns that people aren't ready for Hollywood to lend its trademark delicate touch to a national tragedy still fresh in people's minds, even if the movie is being released later this month one way or the other. The studio, however, isn't planning to recall or alter the preview footage, feeling it's a "responsible" and "fair" representation of the totally non-exploitative entertainment product to follow. Reports the NY Times:

Just as Paramount emperor Brad Grey has been forced to defend embattled lieutenant Gail Berman from rumors that her job was in jeopardy following the studio's acquisition of DreamWorks, skeletal Viacom executive presence Sumner Redstone risked shattering several metacarpals by publicly clapping Grey on the shoulder and offering a "That's my boy!" vote of confidence amidst widespread speculation that Grey may be replaced by new hire Stacey Snider should the studio chief be further ensnared in the Anthony Pellicano Wiretapping Trial of the Century. Redstone assures the LAT:

As is so often the way, the teasing, lunatic foreplay of Sharon Stone's Basic Instinct 2 media blitz provided more hard thrills than the act itself. The movie ended up opening in tenth place, the box office equivalent of America taking one disinterested look at Stone's aging goods, then rolling over and getting itself off to the mental picture of Queen Latifah's woolly mammoth. But there's no fun in focusing on failure; instead, let's return to the Sharon-crazy we know and love, with an item in today's Page Six in which Stone's maternal instincts found themselves at odds with her well documented predilection towards the better things in life:

Sure, Kiefer Sutherland likes the occasional drink—really, who doesn't enjoy a pint or two of Guinness before the ritual sacking of the Christmas tree?—but he shook the white, jittery monkey off his back long ago:

· Richard Scarry and Noa the Boa Constrictor might have a pretty good lawsuit against the Snakes on a Plane folks.
· Susan Sarandon tells the Brazilians that our elections should be monitored, thankfully does not call for the invasion of Colombia.
· Beasts 2, Man 0. —OR— Snakes in a Car and Spiders in a Hole.
· The Invisible Cowgirl meets the Blogger From 15 Minutes in The Future.

Star Jones returned to The View today (video available from ABCNews.com) with her new rack, and all we can say is, whatever those babies cost her (nearly her life, from what we understand), they sure were worth it. Why, Al Reynolds you sly, lucky dog, you!

The Anthony Pellicano Wiretapping Trial of the Century has finally netted its first big Hollywood fish, as Predator/Die Hard/Last Action Hero/Thomas Crown Affair director John McTiernan has been charged with lying to the feds about his involvement with Pellicano, the wiretappingest (why do we love that word so much?) private dick in all of show business. Reports the LAT:

A hairdresser hired for Kevin Costner's 2004 wedding and accused of stealing the actor's laptop computer has finally admitted his guilt: