This image was lost some time after publication.

Star Magazine reports that Britney Spears's threatening legal care package for her mother included a poem entitled "Dear Mama"—not the first time the singer chose to express herself in accusatory verse—in which she allegedly told the intervening parent that she "didn't have a mom anymore." Slightly more inscrutable was another personal delivery made by the increasingly paranoid pop starlet, who now includes the U.S. Postal Service among the government agencies plotting against her: a handwritten note delivered to X17 on Tuesday, explaining a now-legendary incident of SUV-cruelty captured by the paparazzi outfit. In it she writes:

Dear X17

I want to apologize for the past incedent[sic] with the umbrella. I was preparing a character for a possible movie role where the husband doesn't play his part so they swap places. Unfortunately I didn't get the part. I'm sorry I got alil[sic] carried away with my role!

Britney

While the recipients deemed the letter's tone to be "funny" and "sarcastic," we prefer to give the singer the benefit of the doubt. There's no reason why Britney—who had completed a triumphant guest appearance on a network sitcom before a second pregnancy derailed many of her acting and sanity aspirations—might not have actually been preparing to audition for a marital role-swapping comedy, a part that would eventually go to romcom staple Kate Hudson, whom producers felt better nailed the comic subtext of the bald, exasperated wife in the pivotal umbrella-attack scene.