Mike Pence Is Pumped to Die

And not just so he can finally dine alone with co-ed singles

Former Vice President Mike Pence speaks at a campaign event for Georgia Governor Brian Kemp on the e...
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Former Vice President and early blogger Mike Pence can’t wait to die. How come, some are asking? Is it so he never again has to watch Mulan, the 1999 Disney animated movie that he once described in an op-ed as “mischievous liberal” propaganda designed to elevate women in the military? No, it’s something else. Pence’s chief legal counsel, Greg Jacob, testified before the House Jan. 6 committee on Thursday and finally broke Pence’s silence on the issue for him:

I recall in my discussion with the Vice-President, he said: “I can't wait to go to Heaven and meet the Framers [of the Constitution] and tell them, 'The work that you did in putting together our Constitution is a work of genius. [...] It was divinely inspired.”

Apparently, Pence wouldn’t only be singing their praises when he joins the Founders in God’s kingdom. Jacob said Pence would also have a bone to pick with them, specifically about the phrasing of the 12th Amendment, which states that, after a Presidential election, the Vice President alone should “open all the certificates and the votes shall then be counted; The person having the greatest number of votes for President, shall be the President.” Pence thought that was a little vague, but he loves those framers all the same.

Sadly for him, it will probably be a while before Pence has to have these difficult posthumous conversations, despite the wishes of the rioters who chanted “Hang Mike Pence!” at the very insurrection Jacob was testifying about, forcing the veep’s security team to evacuate him to safety.