Lori Lightfoot: I Have the Biggest Dick in Chicago

Bigger than all of Italian America

Chicago mayor Lori Lightfoot sits after speaking during the groundbreaking ceremony for the Obama Pr...

When the New York Times profiled Lori Lightfoot earlier this year, they called the Chicago Mayor a “blunt orator and unflinching negotiator.” This has translated into calling colleagues, at various times, “jackass,” “full of crap,” “petty,” “a dumb, dumb person of color,” and “bush league,” which I don’t understand but sounds rude, as well as saying of one City Council member in particular, “Shitso is an asshole!” Last year, when the Chicago Teachers Union tried to find a “grand compromise” on school closures, so that kids could gradually return to in-person learning while doing their best to ensure teachers didn’t die, for example, Lightfoot wrote a memo insisting that she “will not relent,” then forced an immediate full return to classes. That’s a win for the ladies.

But now Lightfoot, who has been destined for stardom since she lobbied her high school for “more flavorful pizza,” has outdone herself. Specifically, she has outdone herself in the realm of blunt oration and unflinching negotiation. On Thursday morning, The Chicago Tribune broke the following news: Lori Lightfoot has been sued over a distinctly Sopranos-like situation, in which she pissed off the Windy City’s Italian-American community by by removing a statue of Christopher Columbus from a park during the George Floyd protests, and then banning it from appearing “for 20 minutes” in a parade last fall. What’s more, in a Zoom call over said statue, according to the complaint, she allegedly said the following to some government lawyers:

You dicks, what the fuck were you thinking? You make some kind of secret agreement with Italians, what are you doing, you are out there measuring your dicks with the Italians seeing whose [sic] got the biggest dick, you are out there stroking your dicks over the Columbus statue, I am trying to keep Chicago Police officers from being shot and you are trying to get them shot. My dick is bigger than yours and the Italians, I have the biggest dick in Chicago.

To be honest, I think the American people would be interested to see some actual dick measuring here. Let’s have them all whip it out and just get to the meat of the situation. But Lori kept going:

Where did you go to law school? Did you even go to law school? Do you even have a law license? You have to submit any pleadings to John Hendricks for approval before filing. John told you not to do a fucking thing with that statute [sic] without my approval. Get that fucking statue back before noon tomorrow or I am going to have you fired.

The lawsuit was filed on behalf of the lawyer on the receiving end of Lightfoot’s comments, George P. Smyrniotis — whose name is notably Greek and not Italian. Smyrniotis claims he was defamed by the statements calling his legal credentials into question. Because “he was portrayed in a false light,” the complaint claims, “his ability to perform his work was impaired, and he was forced to resign on Feb. 2, 2022.” He’s seeking compensatory damages of at least $50,000. Maybe he has a shot. But if I were George, I’d be worried. Who knows if the Census Cowboy is still running amok in Chicago?