Lindsey Graham Threatens to “Go to War” for Chick-fil-A

You’re fucking dead, Notre Dame students

UNITED STATES - JUNE 24: Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-S.C., is seen in the Capitol on Thursday, June 24, 2...
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Iraq War

South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham has a message for the Notre Dame University students and faculty who have signed an open letter stating they do not want a Chick-fil-A on their campus because of its association with anti-LGBTQ causes and its use of industrial animal agriculture:

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Air Force, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Operation Desert Shield and Desert Storm, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

Could Graham actually follow through with his threat to “go to war” for the sake of Chick-fil-A if left with no choice for peace? Let’s review the facts:

He achieved the rank of Colonel before retiring from the Air Force, despite reportedly doing little to merit the stream of promotions that led him there, so theoretically he does have the connections and greased palms to convince armed forces it would be their patriotic duty to “go to war” for a fast-food chain.

He is a member of Congress, which has the constitutional power to declare war, so conceivably he could sway enough of his colleagues into join him in waging “war” over chicken sandwiches and the “principles” they represent.

Even if his fellow legislators shoot down his proposal to “go to war” on behalf of the Popeyes competitor, the executive branch still has the power to authorize military force without congressional approval as it relates to Iraq, so all Graham would have to do is persuade President Joe Biden that defending Chick-fil-A is a matter of national security vis-à-vis the “war in Iraq.” It is unlikely that Biden would go for this, not least because prominent Republicans recently blamed him for the chain’s sauce shortage, which is just a joke, sure, but it probably left a bad taste in his mouth anyway.

In conclusion: Graham could technically “go to war” for Chick-fil-A, but actually getting there would be, like his failed presidential campaign, a long shot.