De Blasio Won

After a decades-long arc, the Shakespearean struggle between Gov. Andrew Cuomo and Mayor Bill de Blasio ended today. De Blasio came out victorious in a surprising upset following Cuomo’s resignation.

While Cuomo and de Blasio initially worked together during the Clinton administration, they’ve been duking it out ever since de Blasio took office in 2014. There was the time Cuomo shut down the subways for a blizzard without telling the mayor, their more recent quarrels over how to deal with the pandemic, and, lest we forget, the time they argued so much that a deer ended up dead.

But now, their political feuding has come to an end. Or at least it will in 14 days, when Cuomo departs the governor's mansion for greener pastures, where he can free the nipple.

For years, Cuomo wielded his more powerful position over de Blasio, making him out to be a rube who didn’t know how to run a city (which was often true). But now, with a disgraced reputation and a resignation under his belt, there is no denying that Cuomo has lost this avaricious battle.

I’m sure de Blasio is probably beaming in his office right now, softly telling himself, “It came true.” He is the victor, and will be remembered as a dimwitted beanstalk of a mayor who got us universal Pre-K and tried to run for president that one time. Cuomo, on the other hand, will be remembered for being a sexual harasser and killing a bunch of old people with COVID. De Blasio’s on top of the world, and none of us are tall enough to get him down.