All the People Obama Could Have Uninvited From His Birthday

In true Leo fashion, Barack Obama’s 60th birthday party was a rager that showed flagrant disregard for the rules that everyone else is expected to follow. The bash took place over the weekend at the Obamas’ Martha’s Vineyard mansion, with reports suggesting that about 500 people were in attendance.

Leading up to the party, many guests were reportedly uninvited due to COVID concerns. Those who were allegedly taken off the guest list included Larry David and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (who was still in the area over the weekend and ran into Obama at a restaurant... awkward).

While the guest list might have been trimmed down, 500 people is still about 450 people too many for any birthday occasion, especially during a pandemic that is once again ramping up. Surely some of those people could have been cut without any hemming and hawing from the birthday boy, who seems to value his special day as much as famed birthday princess Stassi Schroeder.

First, we must ask: Who do we know was in attendance? Let’s make a list.

• Beyoncé
• Jay-Z
• Oprah Winfrey
• Gayle King
• Chrissy Teigen
• John Legend
• Tom Hanks
• George Clooney
• Steven Spielberg
• Bradley Cooper
• Stephen Colbert
• Alicia Keys
• Gabrielle Union
• Dwyane Wade
• Don Cheadle
• Erykah Badu
• H.E.R.

Immediately let’s get H.E.R. out of there. I know she’s a crucial component of Obama’s playlists, but literally who is she? Compared to everyone else on that list she is a nobody. You’re telling me she won an Oscar this year? Ok, then tell me what it was for. You can’t, she’s out.

Next on the chopping block is Bradley Cooper. The actor-turned-director seems like a real wet blanket, and his only party trick is that he’s fluent in French.

Stephen Colbert somehow made the cut, despite the fact that David Letterman and Conan O’Brien were axed from the guest list. Cutting the former late night hosts was the right idea (they always have to be “on”), and Obama should have followed through and had zero comedians in attendance.

Obviously Chrissy Teigen and John Legend did not need to be there.

Clooney and Spielberg are not necessary when you already have Tom Hanks in attendance. This is an exercise in trimming the fat, and these cuts must be made. If either of them would like to come to my birthday later this month, they are very much invited.

You might have noticed that I did not cut Don Cheadle. As an avid reader of tabloids I know that Cheadle is close enough to Obama to have made the cut for his golf game on Friday. He’s in the inner circle, and I would never cut inner circle.

See how easy this is? We’ve already cut this list almost in half. I feel confident that if I were given the full guest list I could have taken this party from a superspreader event down to a minor spike. Call me when you’re turning 70, Barry.