A Theatre Kid is Born

Pete and Chasten Buttigieg have become parents to a child who will surely wreak havoc on a Denny’s employee at some point.

SOUTH BEND, INDIANA - MARCH 01: With his husband Chasten by his side, former South Bend, Indiana May...
Scott Olson/Getty Images News/Getty Images

The stork has flown to Washington D.C. and blessed Pete and Chasten Buttigieg with a sweet little baby. The United States Secretary of Transportation announced that the couple had become parents on Twitter today, but offered few other details.

Since the former mayor of South Bend did not provide any information that could help me write this post (gender, name, which D.C. private school he will funnel the child into), I am left to simply wildly speculate about their new baby. The only thing I know for certain is that this child will be a theatre kid.

Here are the facts:

We know Chasten loves theatre.

Who could forget the campaign fundraiser where one lucky Pete donor could bid on attending a performance of Hamilton with Chasten? Did anyone ever win that?

D.C. is a great town for theatre.

You’ve got the Folger Shakespeare Library, Signature Theatre, Arena Stage, and Wooly Mammoth, all of which put on great productions to which I’m sure Chasten would delight in taking his wee babe. Pete will probably be busy talking about trains, and will have to hear all about a daring, gender-swapped production of Death of a Salesman when he gets home.

This child will be raised by two professional attention-seekers.

We all become our parents, and Pete and Chasten are nothing if not ambitious social climbers with a desire for the spotlight. Presumably they will have high, high hopes that the baby will become even more successful than them. (If you have seen Gypsy — as I assume Chasten has — you know that this will not end especially well.)

It is written in the stars.

Let’s assume that the baby was born today in D.C. That would make them a Leo with a Sagittarius moon. There is too much fire in that chart for that baby to not want to belt out “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina” in the auditorium at Sidwell Friends.

I would like to extend a premature congratulations to the young Buttigieg on a stellar performance at the Jimmy Awards.