Vermont Kids Suck at Naming Snow Plows
"Captain Snowmerica?" What are you in third grade...okay yes but still
Vermont should probably check the fluoride they’re putting in the water, because something fucked up is happening to the kids there. Last Wednesday, the Green Mountain state held one of its biggest holidays: “Vermont Plow Day.” It’s a celebration perhaps second only in importance to “Bennington Battle Day,” which is probably about Donna Tartt.
Not much goes down on VTP-Day, save for a social media campaign encouraging residents to take pictures with plows and use the hashtag #VTPlowDay. But as part of the festivities, Vermont school children were given the opportunity to name 163 plows across the state thanks to a new program with the Agency of Transportation. This seems like a cool way to get some plows named things like “The Plownisher,” but these babies have the minds of a LinkedIn marketing team. Take this lede from VTDigger:
As the Vermont days grow shorter and the dark storm clouds of winter approach, residents of Braintree will look to a new hero to protect them: Captain Snowmerica. But Captain Snowmerica, whose powers include clearing snow from roads and distributing salt, is no Avenger. This hero is a snowplow.
If these kids love Uncle Sam so much, why don’t they marry him or join the military. They could at least admit they’re war hawks who hate taxes, go full Gov. Phil Scott, and give us “Snowdald Reagan” or “Dick Plowney” instead (for liberal kids, maybe “David Plowffe”). Not “Snowy Chicken,” “Jennifer Snowpez,” “William Scrape-speare,” “Snowbegone Kenobi,” and “Yo Bro No Snow” — the other options named in the article. And those were the cream of the crop. Sincerely. Here’s full list of names:
- Astro
- Wolf Tracks
- Salty
- Jennifer Snowpez
- Storm Breaker
- Snow Destroyer
- Frostbite
- Eye of the Tiger
- Snowy the Plow
- Yo Bro, No Snow
- Plowtron
- Snowbegone Kenobi
- BMU Monster Buck
- Blizzard Wizard
- Captain Snowmerica
- Yogi
- Plowy McPlowface
- Spooky the Square Pumpkin
- Captain Snowpants
- Ole Bessy
- Brookside Beast
- The BCS Beast
- Frosty’s Demise
- Storm Slayer
- The Calais Snow Cat
- Baby Snowda
- Plower Power
- Stardust
- The Maple Machine
- The Snowlebrator
- Dorito
- Kirby
- Carl
- Pumpkin
- The Snow Eagle
- Snow Hunter
- Blizzard
- Snowy the Snowlifter
- Tiger Force
- Snow Pickle
- Snow Wolf
- Brr-rito
- Timberwolf
- Scoop
- Snow Day Crusher
- Midnight
- Snow Day Reaper
- The Might Snow Tiger
- Ice Claw
- Plow-A-Tron 6,000
- Snow Dragon
- Chamberlin Chomper
- Arctic Angel
- Snow Panther
- Midnight Monster
- The Snow Bobcat
- Snowicane
- Snow Day Dream Crusher
- Pumpkin the Plow Truck
- Snowdigger
- Snowasaurus
- Crystal Royalty
- The Ice Crusher
- Ducky
- Scrapes the Snowplow
- William Scrape-speare
- Snow Hawk
- Thunder
- Vermont Bob
- Snow Day Stopper
- JFK Snow You Didn’t
- Snowday Buster
- Snow Dog
- Snow-manator
- Get Out of My Way!
- The Lion’s Snow Destroyer
- Snow Buddy
- Maple Snow Racer
- Mettawee Mountain Mower
- Darth Blader
- Tiny Tim
- Snowy Joey
- Milton Mike
- Molly’s Snowdragon
- Snowbuster
- Snowy Wolf Pup
- Snow Runner
- Ice Ice Baby
- Fearless Frosty
- Mr. Plower
- Snowflake: The Knight Plow
- Rumble
- Steve
- PAWS
- Mr. Frost
- Snow Big Deal
- Plowdypus
- Obi-Wan KenSNOWbi
- The Night Owl
- Edgar Allen Snow
- Arctic Blaze
- Mr. Pushy
- Bob the Plower
- The ‘Boro Beast
- Snow Blade
- Flurry
- Mighty Moose
- Snowy Chicken
- Snowfight
- RACS Snow Destroyer
- Snowbusters
- Arctic Fox
- Salty Eagle
- Shelbourne Blizzard
- Ice Breaker
- Sub Zero
- Wildcast Winter
- Snowflake Dently
- Frosty the Snowplow
- Flurry the Snow Cow
- Polar Plow
- Crystal
- Snowcrusher
- Sutton Cats Rule the Road
- Maple Creemee Cruiser
- Blizzard Lizzard
- The Orange Snow Peeler
- Snowy Owl
- Snow Place Like Home
- Plowser
- Perry the Plowerpus
- Snowy
- Mr. Plowington
- Plow-Cow
- Snow Shadow
- The Plowinator
- Snow on the Go
- The White Fox
- Storm
- Everest
- Snow Plowie
- Glacier
- Shellington
- Snow Magic
- Vinnie’s VTVLC Pack
- Snow Chomper
- Snow McQueen
- Storm Trooper
- Sweeping Beauty
- Blizzard Bessy
- Big Bessie
- Orange Bolt
- McNugget
- Green Mountain Plower
- Slip Sliding Safety Service
- Super Snow Storm
- Woodford Sands
- Penguin the Plow
A little randomXD for our taste. But “Get Out of My Way!” is pretty good. “Scoop” is kind of cute, and “Carl” isn’t bad either. It reminds me of this bobblehead I saw at a souvenir shop in the financial district:
