Pfizer Offering Free Boob Jobs?

If true, the kind of deal you can’t turn down

Shot of a trendy young woman covering her chest against a city background
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Vax for Racks

The Delta variant of COVID is causing cases to surge, with the vast majority of people being hospitalized being unvaccinated. Centers for Disease Control Director Rachel Walensky has called this latest surge “a pandemic of the unvaccinated.” If the rise in cases and the high likelihood of experiencing a serious case of COVID isn’t enough to get people vaccinated, might I suggest telling people that the Pfizer vaccine makes your boobs bigger?

In addition to fatigue and a pretty bad headache, one side effect of the Pfizer vaccine is “swollen lymph nodes,” a.k.a. tig ol’ bitties. Some women are confusing the swelling of their lymph nodes with a symptom of cancer, and doctors are advising to wait 6 to 8 weeks after getting vaccinated to get a mammogram. Other women are taking their swollen jugs in stride, calling it “the Pfizer boob job.”

Do you know how much a regular boob job costs? At minimum it’s like $5,000. Plus, it hurts like a bitch and you have to heal for months. Meanwhile, the COVID vaccine is $0 and allows you to start showing off your gigantic new knockers immediately. I’m no mathematician but that seems like a pretty good deal.

Getting vaccinated is no longer about protecting yourself and the people around you, it’s about getting a rack that will make both your husband and God happy. If Dr. Fauci has any sense, this will be his new messaging platform. That should get at least, I don’t know, one million people vaccinated? I will take my consulting fee in cash.