Olympic Athletes Can and Will Fuck on Their Tiny Cardboard Beds

Like Zeus’s lightning bolt, they cannot be stopped

Recyclable cardboard beds and mattresses for athletes during a media tour at the Olympic and Paralym...
AKIO KON/AFP/Getty Images
Divine Will

Olympic athletes can still fuck on their tiny cardboard beds, thank you very much!

The rumor — recently disseminated on Twitter by American track and field star Paul Chelimo — that the Tokyo Olympic Village’s bed frames were designed to collapse under the weight of more than one person in order to deter sex has been debunked by the New York Times and Irish gymnast Rhys McClenaghan. McClenaghan tweeted a video of himself vigorously jumping up and down on his bed while decrying “fake news,” guaranteeing himself a job at Snopes if he ever wants to switch career paths.

The modular bed frames, which are made by Japanese company Airweave, are meant to be recycled into paper products after the games. They can sustain up to 440 pounds, the Associated Press reports. Depending on the athlete, that could hold nearly four female gymnasts or two male water polo players, or any number of mix-and-match combinations for romping purposes, although more than two might be a tight fit for the single bed.

Besides, there are other ways that officials will be discouraging the randiness of the absolute fuckfest that the Olympic Village normally becomes. Per the Times, alcohol sales will be banned, the number of free condoms distributed will be reduced, and a playbook urges all participants to “avoid unnecessary forms of physical contact” to mitigate risks of spreading the coronavirus.

The caution appears to be warranted, as three athletes have already tested positive for COVID-19. But Olympic superfans around the world, have faith: where there are a bunch of young, nubile demigods whose blood runs hot with adrenaline, there will be orgies (even if they have to build thousands of expertly vetted glory holes to make it work). After all, it is in the spirit of the Olympics to get naked and wrestle.