Great News: Life Expectancy Drops by 1.5 Years

Afterlife here we come

Zombie skeleton hand rise from the grave. Halloween design with zombie graveyard
Let's Gooo

Is your IRA smiling? Mine sure is — according to the National Center for Health Statistics, American life expectancy has gone down by an average of 1.5 years, from 78.8 to 77.3, largely because of COVID.

The Washington Post presents the new figures as “sobering,” but why must we be so negative? The sooner we all die, the sooner we get to heaven where, according to God, there is no COVID. (Satan’s spokesperson did not return a request for comment.)

Take me, oh lord above or devil below. Take me so I can cash out my 401k, buy a Mini Cooper, and drive it to Hell, where I belong.