Germans Turned Blau by Poisoned Beverages

Trink das nicht, Freunde

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA - JUNE 24: Blue Man Group celebrate their first performance in Full Color Again at...
David Becker/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

Imagine you are a student or staff member at the Technical University in Darmstadt, Germany. You get some milk or water from a small kitchen, and you go to drink it, but it smells acrid and disgusting. Would you still consume it? If you said yes, watch out! It’s probably poison.

Seven people became sick after suspected poisonings at the college over the weekend, with one student entering a life-threatening condition that has now stabilized. Those who fell ill experienced nausea, and some had their limbs turn blue.

The police have dispatched a homicide squad with 40 detectives on the case.

Since no one died, I think it’s fine to say that if you open a bottle of water or a milk carton and it smells “acrid,” you are a dummy for thinking that’s okay to drink. The whole reason we recoil when we smell something rotten is because our brains are shrieking, “DO NOT CONSUME.”

But I am not one to place blame entirely on the victims. The culprit, who is still at large, doesn’t seem like the brightest bulb in the chandelier either. You want to poison a bunch of people, but you use a poison that tastes and smells bad? I’m no Medici, but I know there are poisons that have no taste or smell because I just googled it — probably putting myself on some kind of watchlist in the process.

German police have identified the substance, but are not revealing it to the public just yet. My guess is that it was cyanide or ricin, because I also googled “bad tasting poison” just now.

To the dumb Germans who thought it was okay to drink water that smelled nasty, I am sending you my love. When I figure out a way to fashion this story into a joke, I will say that you were Polish.