Everything I’ve Learned From Just Jared Today

A big part of my job is reading other online news outlets to see if they’ve got any stories that would be worth blogging about. Page Six is usually my go-to, but today they were unseated by a dark horse contender. Lurking in the corner of my RSS feed, Just Jared had been waiting patiently to claim the crown, and on this gorgeous Monday they finally did it.

The celebrity news aggregation website is something of a marvel. It looks awful, with a low-resolution logo hanging out in the upper left corner of a bracingly yellow banner, ads for whatever I’ve recently googled spamming the page and negative space in all the wrong places. The posts have no bylines, seemingly sprung fully formed from the head of Jared himself, like Athena from Zeus. (The real Jared now works as a stylist while his brother Jason runs the site, but that is not really part of this fantasy.) Despite all this, I just can’t quit Just Jared, especially on days like today.

Here is a brief summary of everything I’ve learned from Just Jared since this morning:

• Zac Efron, the host of a virtual press event for AT&T Fiber, likes to spend his days off “sleeping in, [getting in] a good work out, maybe playing some games or watching movies with friends and dinner at a great restaurant.” He also has never played World of Warcraft.
• The Marvel actors have all made different amounts of money for their films. Chris Hemsworth only made $150,000 for Thor, and Robert Downey Jr. made “$75 million (including box-office bonuses and backend compensation)” for Avengers: Infinity War. Crazy how that works.
• What was the reason behind Emma Roberts and Garrett Hedlund’s breakup? Well, they “grew apart when Garrett was away working.” I never would have guessed!
• The reason Lin-Manuel Miranda hasn’t hosted the Oscars (and he has been asked) is, in his words, “I really don’t think that that’s my skillset.” The people had been wondering.
• Property Brother Jonathan Scott, Bravo star Kim Zolciak and daddy’s girl Ivanka Trump have all been approached by Bachelor or Bachelorette producers to star on the franchise, but all said no. What kind of Sliding Doors universe would we be living in if that Property Brother had ended up with someone named “Amber H.” instead of Zooey Deschanel?

If we can get all this heat on one day, I cannot even imagine what tomorrow will bring. Maybe a slideshow detailing how much money various celebs have owed to the IRS? Or news about when a Netflix show I’ve never heard of will be returning for its fifth season? Maybe a celebrity will explain the name of their newborn child (it means “hope” in a language they don’t speak). Whatever it is, I will love it and continue to click my way through the entire site, proudly helping to keep the lights on at Jared’s house.