CNN+, 2022-2022

The newborn streaming platform has passed away

Red roses on black granite tombstone outdoors, space for text. Funeral ceremony

“A famous writer once said ‘We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.’” — Eulogy Template #3,

It seems CNN+, the streaming service that launched on March 29, has given all it can. According to Variety, Warner Bros. Discovery will abort the division less than one month after its conception. At least Chris Wallace — whose CNN+ program boldly asked “Who’s Talking to Chris Wallace?” — will finally have his answer: No one.

Every death is a tragedy, and the 10,000 daily viewers who tuned into “Jake Tapper’s Book Club” or “The Global Brief with Bianca Nobilo” request privacy during this difficult time. But now is not the time to mourn what might have been; it’s a time to celebrate what was. In just 23 days on this earth, CNN+ made a bigger impact than most of us ever could: it cost $300 million. It also gave us this picture:


God loves all his children equally, but he might have loved CNN+ less. Here are some things that lived longer than the dearly departed:


April 2020 - December 2020

Former Disney chairman Jeffrey Katzenberg and one-time gubernatorial loser Meg Whitman’s $1.75 billion plan to serve users prestige phone videos as “quick bites” proved to be something of a quick bite itself, shutting down eight months after it launched. It did, however, last longer than CNN+.

Nicholas Cage and Lisa Marie Presley’s Marriage

August 2002 - November 2002

Cage and Presley, who dated at the turn of the millennium, had a lot in common: famous families, previous marriages, loving Elvis, etc. Unfortunately, their marriage in 2002 lasted just 107 days, which is 84 day longer than CNN+ did.

The Armeno-Georgian War

December 1918 - December 1918

This post-World War I border conflict numbers among the shortest wars in history, clocking in at just 24 days. On Dec. 7 that year, the First Republic of Armenia and the Democratic Republic of Georgia kicked off several military clashes over the territories of Tiflis Governorate in Lori and Akhalkalaki, which were largely populated by Armenians, but controlled by Georgia. After a few weeks of fighting, the Allied forces intervened, split the land between the two states, and ended the war by midnight on New Year’s Eve. If CNN+ had stuck it out for 36 more hours, it might have outlasted the AGW. Unfortunately, it did not.

William Henry Harrison’s Presidency

March 1841 - April 1841

Some may remember the ninth President of the United States for his military service in the 1811 Battle of Tippecanoe, which earned Bill the nickname “Old Tippecanoe.” But most people remember him for dying one month after taking office. Back then, they swore in the commander-in-chief on random days like March 4, and in 1841, March 4 happened to be cold and wet. Harrison, who didn’t dress for the weather and delivered the longest inaugural address in history, caught pneumonia and, eventually, “severe diarrhea.” He died 31 days later. If you asked our friends at CNN+ about this, they might say, “That’s actually pretty long and impressive.” But everything’s relative.


July 2021 — ?

Much like Jesus on Sunday, Gawker rose from the dead last summer. As far as I can tell, it will not be shutting down for at least another month. A lesser website might gloat or be rude and nasty about this in the face of CNN+’s impending closure. But Easter week is a time for magnanimity. As Donald Trump recently wrote on Telegram: “Happy Easter to all including the Radical Left Maniacs who are doing everything possible to destroy our Country. May they not succeed, but let them, nevertheless, be happy, wealthy, and well.”